The Grace of the Heart
A
Survivors Testimony
By
Wendella K.
Copyright Pending
October 17, 2000
All Rights Reserved
Preface
October 1, 1998
“It will be for my glory that you will write the book."
I am here, now with me myself and I. I am alone in my world trying to guide myself through this existence called Man. I hope to achieve my goal to survive this experience. I am human - no I am not. In me there is more life than knowledge, and maybe through this experience I can accomplish that which my Heavenly Father has sent me here to do.
All I know is that I am.
Me.
Not someone else or their experience, but mine, alone, real, not contrived or hoped for.
Man has not seen nor heard all that can be; will be; is; or was. Only He knows it all.
Signed Me.
Wendella K.
Dedication
Mom,
I know that you loved me with all of your heart. I know that some of the things I will write here will hurt you. I love you mother. For myself and for your grandchildren, some of whom you've never met. Forgive yourself!
Some things we cannot change.
Jesus Christ is with us Mom, and He will never leave.
I love you, Mom.
Good bye.
Your daughter.
(My mother died September 16, 1996.)
Preface …………………………………………………………………………... i
Dedication ………………………………………………………………....... ii
Introduction ………………………………………………………………….. 1
Chapter One: The First 40 Years
Poem: Millennium …………………………………………….....…. 4
Chapter Two: Thinking About Life ……………………………... 11
Chapter Three: The Journey Begins
The Mockery of Christ …………………………………………….. 16
My Best Friend Maggie …………………………………………... 18
Poem: Oh Mister Moon ……………………………………………. 20
The Birth ………………………………………………………………….. 21
His Children …………………………………………………………….. 22
The Dance of the Bodies …………………………………………. 23
The Tunnels …………………………………………………………….. 24
Poem: Dirty Shoes ………………………………………………….. 25
New Memory ……………………………………………………………. 26
Mary …………………………………………………………………………. 27
The Colonel ……………………………………………………………... 28
Confused ………………………………………………………………….. 28
Chapter Four: Research on the Internet ………………….…. 29
Chapter Five: The Rest … Comes Forth
Body Memory ……………………………………………………………. 30
Chapter Six: Helps
Fear: How To Take Away Its Glory ……………………….. 35
Denial vs. Healing ……………………………………………………. 36
A Story …………………………………………………………………….. 37
Group Acceptance and Healing …………………………….… 39
Chapter Seven: Connections ………………………………………. 40
Chapter Eight: Recovery
Emails with Memories Shared with a Friend ………….. 41
Attempted Suicide …………………………………………………… 43
Concern for You ………………………………………………………. 43
Chapter Nine: Lessons …………………………………………………. 45
Chapter Ten: What Am I?
Aliens ?? …………………………………………………………………… 60
The General …………………………………………………………….. 62
“ Mommy” ……………………………………………………………….. 65
Notes Condo ……………………………………………………………. 67
Love Sessions …………………………………………………………. 67
New Memory …………………………………………………………… 70
Chapter Eleven: A Circle Returns Unto Itself
The "Culture" …………………………………………………………… 71
Jenny ………………………………………………………………………. 73
Slicing Oranges ………………………………………………………. 73
Spinning ………………………………………………………………….. 74
Return to Montauk ………………………………………………….. 77
Chapter Twelve: My True Friend
The Savior ……………………………………………………………………… 79
End Notes ………………………………………………………………………. 80
My Continued Journey ………………………………………………….. 81
Introduction
Today Heavenly Father told me, “It would not have been worth my life to let you die."
I had just come from a session with my counselor. The third one here in my hometown. I can call this my home because I have made it so. I have to write my life's story for my personal release from it.
I have so much to say I never know where to start.
The emotions well up inside so greatly my mind can't sort them out fast enough to speak.
Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to trust myself and others and have again, my once found faith in Him.
Man and Satan have almost destroyed my last hope of accomplishing that.
Satan is clever. He uses our greatest gifts to fool us and our smallest weakness to lift us to pain.
Satan has no respect for life because he cannot have it. The physical gift of a body and the resulting senses are not his to enjoy or hate. He must steal that from the almost dead to "enjoy".
I know much about Satan. Much that man has ignored. Willfully, happily in there own gluttonous quest for pleasure without pain.
There is no such existence for man. All pleasure and pain come from each other in the mind of the recipient. Each to his or her own reality by choice of the received outcome. No one can take away our free agency of choice of attitude in our hearts - only by our own deceit of ourselves; by denial of truth does that occur. Yet occur it does on a moment to moment basis of our own choice.
I have no college degree or paper or proof of anything I will say. That is or will be your choice to believe or at least ponder that which I speak from my heart.
I Challenge You!!
Don't consider;
Don't reason within yourself;
Don't accomplish the impossible and accept new ideas . . .
God doesn't care about you . . .
He doesn't exist.
Now, I have your attention!
Let's go there for a moment. Reality. What is it? Do you know? Can you tell your son or daughter that you know you exist? How can you prove it? I know you know you are, but how can you prove it? When you leave the room what is left of your existence? Only a memory in someone else's mind... If therefore there was no memory, would no one exist?
When you are looking at your left hand how do you know you have a right hand? Do you see it? Not necessarily. I learned to do an exercise with my mind where I would look at something and ask myself what am I really seeing. Well I can see the wall, but no, it's wood and paint. I don't see the nails or studs or insulation - I just know that they are there.
Reality is exactly that and nothing more for each of us. So, if I told you that I had lived and died several times in this life because I remembered it, how could you tell me it wasn't real?
Intelligence in my definition is the ability to understand. That allows us to love or hate, which are the same. When you love you accept and are close. When your pleasure in closeness turns to hate, your love turns to pain.
Life is so simple! Only ourselves make it complicated.
Now, since I have outwitted your own arguments to call me insane you by your own anger; you will have to read this to prove me wrong. Or, you are too stubborn to learn and will throw it away in disgust claiming I am stupid and thereby make yourself a fool proving instantaneously all that I have said thus far is true!
Ha! Ha!
I win!!
January 4, 2000
Today I cleaned my house and tried to take care of my children. I actually had time to cook them a meal and read to them. Tomorrow I go to work again and life will get crazy again.
I wanted to find someone to talk to about my memories, but I do not think that will help me. I have had so much difficulty with it I think fate is telling me to stop trying. I am very tired and do not have the energy to keep trying.
The purpose in writing a book is to bring me peace so I can eliminate the post traumatic-stress syndrome factor in my life. I hope it works. Here goes.
I had what I thought was a normal childhood until I found myself in jail one night for child endangerment. I was accused of knowing that my companion was abusing my 11-month old daughter when I actually had no idea of what had occurred. It changed my whole life.
I was forced in the process to get my daughter home, in my custody again, to attend counseling and thereby realized I had problems totally hidden from my own view or awareness. Shock would be a kind word. Horror would be the reality. I still have great guilt over my blindness, but time and healing have helped me greatly. Forgiving oneself for being a child victim is not easy when you see your perpetrators acts lived out from deep within yourself onto your children by your innocent actions and behavior. It is not an easy thing to live with.
I thought I had conquered most of my trauma over my fathers sexual molestation's of me, my mothers ' alcoholism, my adoption, my several marriages and divorces (I have had 7 children by 4 fathers), until I got on my knees and prayed to my Heavenly Father one and a half years ago for forgiveness of my sins. I was ready to be rebaptised in my Church and had a friend tell me that my desire to feel clean inside would come from saying this prayer. Well what happened as I knelt on my knees is still unbelievable to me to this day. I received 24 hours of memories of Satanic Ritual Abuse.
I still don't know how to feel about it, but because of all the special miracles and blessings I have received from Jesus Christ through my faith and testimony of him as my Savior, I believe that the memories are real (as much as I can at this point), and that they were revealed to me to heal me and in time allow me to help others walk the same paths of healing that I have for as far and as much as they chose to do so for themselves. Helping others is the only purpose I can accept at this time as to why I experienced what I have.
I want to say now before I go further that what I will write will at the very least horrify you. That it could be in the mind of anyone, nonetheless, be something that someone has actually lived through as a young child and survived enough to be partly sane. Sanity being defined as knowing right from wrong and good from bad, and having a consciousness and being able to feel that which is in ones' own heart and mind.
The pictures I will paint and the knowledge I disperse will be graphic - because I want it that way. You should not read this alone at night on Halloween or Christmas. Yet Satan does his best works then, and also on Easter!
Chapter One: The First Forty Years
May 23, 2000
Hi. My name for now will be Susan. A common name that everyone knows.
I am going to be 44 years old this June. I am single, raising 7 of my own children who all live with me. The oldest is 20 years, a son, and the youngest is 5 years, a girl. I have had a very complicated and sad life, yet in my belief in Jesus Christ and his mercy, He has led me to be able to find the true source of my troubles and has led me to learn to not be afraid to love and raise my children.
I was asked to write a narrative. It will be contrite, from my heart, but may seem cold as it will have to include so much the average individual may not be able to accept it.
Everything I include here is true to the best of my knowledge. In the area of recovery that I am in many would say I have false memories; yet I would challenge them that no counselor, therapist, friend and especially family member, has ever in anyway influenced what I believe are my memories.
From the beginning of Time Man has had the ability to choose good from evil. Each one of us is responsible for their own choices. Sometimes they are sad because others choices overpowered the minds ability to accept peace and trust, love and security and with this inability comes sadness.
I have changed Millenniums from whence I began my journey to heal. Here is a poem I wrote which explains at times how I feel:
Millennium
Wow! I am free to begin a whole new life.
An existence free from pain. Joy radiates within me.
Pain, I can no longer see. Yet, I am alone.
Where can You be?
Oh! There you are; right beside me.
Hello. This is me.
Will you come and share this new
Millennium with me? Wow! Let's Go!!!
In my current healing I receive feelings and then pictures and as yet have not put them all together. I have read books on people who are healing from what I am and it takes years to undo what is harmful to you as a child.
For the benefit of this article, I will try to focus on how these experiences have affected all the aspects of being a mother; i.e. the desire to be a mother, under what circumstances that comes, what hopes and fears and accomplishments there have been, how as I heal my perspective of my past, present and future have changed and become more in balance or alignment so to speak.
If you get lost trying to follow me in my journey, don't feel alone. You can't feel anymore lost than I do...
I want to thank Mickey for giving me this opportunity to share. Sharing is a great part of healing. Thank you Mickey!
My given name is Wendella.
What I knew...
Was that I always wanted to please everyone.
What I didn't know...
Was why.
What I knew...
Was that many things made me so afraid I didn't know that I was afraid.
What I didn't know...
Was that all my fears existed and then later that they weren't the average fears
of a young girl.
What I knew...
Was that I loved men and wanted to please them.
What I didn't know...
Was why.
I grew up in Anchorage, Alaska. I never remembered any childhood. It was always just a blackness in my mind. Yes, there were pieces here and there but, they seemed not to be a part of me. I was very independent. I would let no one in my room or on my bed. They might mess it up and that was awful. I had one brother. We survived the Alaskan earthquake. I was very upset with him. Nothing in his room was messed up because it was already on the floor; whereas my room was perfect and after the quake settled it was a mess!
This may seem strange to you that I mention this, but within its message is the key to my life. I had to be clean and I had to be in control. Otherwise my whole existence was threatened...
I thought I had a normal childhood. Everyone believes this. No one realizes until they leave home and gain new experiences and start to compare existence's that what they lived may not have been the norm. In our current society normal doesn't exist. But the extremes of my existence are still somewhat unknown. You could call it, "A Life of Secrets"...
I never lacked for any physical needs. Only emotional ones. There were many children in our neighborhood. I didn't like any of them as they only had one desire - to play sexual games. I now know that this was because of the unknown activities of our parents at the time. It also is another clue to the secrets of my life.
My mom never had to spank me. I couldn't tolerate it for one. Anyone who ever even showed any displeasure with my actions devastated me. I had to have all the people around me smiling and not silent or I was propitiate to them. I would make gifts, ask to please them constantly. I think this drove my mother nuts at times as in her denial of things it made her feel guilt whereas she could only disassociate from her own pain and actions involved with me to exist.
I was in my thirties when I discovered what alcoholism meant. I never knew that my mom was one until after she died and my brother told me. He became an alcoholic too. She wasn't physically abusive to me, but allowed others to be so. She labeled me many things. Labeling is discussed in therapy programs if you desire to learn about it.
We always had dogs. In looking at my mom's teenage years on film she always had a dog. I think she was lonely growing up too.
We left Anchorage when I was in the 5th grade and moved to Portland Oregon. I could make no friends with girls and chose to conquer the young boy next door. After 7 years of a relationship I finally let him go. His father was alcoholic and abusive and my relationship with him was abusive, but I didn't know that until I was much older.
As a teenager I became involved with a cult. They showed what I thought was caring for me. I was involved with it for 6 years. They only wanted money.
While in the cult I had many relationships with men. Two relationships ended up with me having abortions. I had no conscious knowledge I was taking a life. And I had no one around me who cared enough to stop me.
My oldest child was born imbetween. I had met a man and was so down in my heart I wanted to have someone to love me. I met him and asked him two weeks later if I could get pregnant. I wanted someone to love me. That was the reason I got pregnant. We never married and had lots of experiences together. The father had his own problems but was never abusive to me. We are currently friends and he lives close by. And my son is my friend. What a miracle God sent me...
I was also blessed while pregnant with this child to meet a couple who taught Bradley Natural Childbirth classes. The incubators they were placed in when born blinded them both. They taught me to never trust hospitals, doctors, meditation, but instead to take vitamins, drink pure water etc. A whole world of knowledge. I gave birth naturally with a male doctor in a "new" birthing clinic. I didn't know at the time how unusual my desires for natural childbirth were. I delivered without any drugs for pain, and I had lots and lots of pain, no episiotomy etc. I was allowed to take my baby home just a few hours later. I have always been terrified to leave my children with anyone until they were old enough to talk for themselves. Now I know it's because of my real childhood....
We did well for awhile and then I experienced post partum depression but didn't know that was what I was feeling until years later. I separated from the father and went my own way. I had many journeying and we moved 20 times in 10 years.
I ended up back home when leaving the cult. It was awful. They were very emotionally abusive. Details aren't important. I was so shaken I went home to my mom which I hated to do. I was totally incapable of doing anything except reading. She had to potty train my son. I was so afraid of people I didn't leave the house for 3 months. The father moved to Oregon and I went to stay with him. I decided to overcome my fear of people and went to look for work. Well I met a man who gave me marijuana again and with all I didn't know I followed him. Within two weeks I was his and he wanted a child. I couldn't say no to a man. We stayed together. He went to another state to work, with me pregnant and my son. We had a conflict of religious views and he threatened to throw me out onto the street. Well that's when and how I found Jesus Christ. That was 17 years ago. We are friends now too. We had a daughter. She is very beautiful. The father was emotionally abusive and a drug dealer at the time and I didn't know. In deciding to be Christ-like I decided I had to marry him and he had to stop dealing in drugs. Neither were good ideas. After we divorced I learned that he had an alcoholic mother also suicidal and he had been a dealer of crack at age 12 in California. All of these were secrets until after our divorce. He is much better now but can't even see how the drugs destroyed his mind. He is lucky to be alive...
My journey then went to another man, and another. I was compelled by fear not to be alone. I still have that problem. The daughter we had was born at home with a midwife. It was wonderful. I nursed all my children until I couldn't, i.e. they needed solid food or my milk ran out. This gave me a sense of not neglecting them, which I feared greatly.
I never could understand why I couldn't let my kids cry. It destroyed me. My Aunt told me a story a couple of years ago on how my mom, when I wasn't even 6 months old, had come to visit them in New York. I was crying in my crib. I was soiled. My Aunt told me my mom just left me to cry and refused to change my diapers. I always felt very close to my babies until they could walk. Then inside myself I changed totally towards them and was almost afraid of them. It's a form of disassociation from my own pain. I know that now.
Well, I found another man willing to marry me. We ended up together for 10 years having 4 children. We are friends now. In order to heal from this experience I had to attend a 12-week college accredited course on Mental Illnesses. It is put out by NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. So many people had treated me like I was crazy since I was a child, (At birth the doctor told my mom that I would be mentally retarded. I always thought I was until about 8 years ago. We remember everything, scary huh!) that I decided to go get the help everyone said I needed. In simply attending the class and listening to other families talk about their ill family members, I learned first that I wasn't crazy and second my husband of 10 years was manic depressive or bipolar. To this day he won't get medical assistance of any kind...
In my attempt to flee my husband of 10 years I had an interlude with the Division of Family Services in the state we resided in. I had left there and went on a trip, met an old boyfriend who later tried to kill a daughter of mine. This whole experience forced me into counseling in order to regain custody of her. It was horrendous. At the hospital she was at a Nun had to come to me as I was in shock and tell me that someone had tried to hurt my daughter. My whole life changed from that moment on.
(Note: I had taught myself to disassociate from pain as a child and be my own teacher and healer while at the same time being abused. This quality came out in the cult I was in but I didn't understand that at the time. It's like being about 4 people at once. So when the courts ordered me into counseling in order to get my daughter back I decided to make it a positive experience. No counselor ever told me anything. All they ever did was listen and ask questions for me to think about. I guess providence held my hand.)
So, I have regained my daughter and eventually divorced the father. In that I ran to another man who turned out to be worse in many ways than the man I was with. The story of my life. We had a child as well. I had a compulsion to get pregnant in order to keep the man happy so he wouldn't hurt me or leave me. I had no idea how strong this compulsion was. It was only last month I finally got custody of this child. The father was sexually abused by his parents and allowed his children of a former marriage to have incest with no understanding how to cope with it. Yes, sad. Yes, true. Now I am free of them all except to be friends at my choosing. All of the fathers of my children were emotionally controlling and at times physically abusive except the first one.
I had given birth 6 times at home with midwives. I never had drugs. I was very good about keeping my body healthy (except emotional stress) and never smoked. I do again now. It's too hard to quit for just myself. All the midwives were very supportive. Each father had different reactions. The last three fathers became violent during the pregnancy which I learned is normal when they are sick themselves. It is called the cycle of abuse. I realized their own fears of increased responsibility brought on their anger. The father of the four with the birth of our first child did this during the time I was in labor. He went upstairs and got his gun, which I didn't know he had. He was delirious. He said he was going to kill himself. I called the local church for help. They calmed him down. He had a fever of 106 degrees. After they came he changed completely. He waited on me hand and foot for three days with no problems. With the birth of the second child by him he did a similar thing. He contracted strep throat and wouldn't get medical help. When he looked in the mirror one day and realized if he didn't eat etc. he would die, he decided to take vinegar, which actually does kill the strep germs and started to get better. When our third daughter was in foster care he refused to help. I had to beg him for gas money to go see her. I think he is better now. He finally moved close enough to be able to come see his kids after 4 years of absence. Yes, it was awful.
Well, let’s skip ahead. I have left all my ex-husbands and moved to a place for a new start. I had been here one year and started working again after 20 years of isolation and abuse. I did well. I recover well. My kids were all in school and getting medical attention. I was trying to rebuild my life. I knew my father had sexually abused me, as it was confirmed in a very private way. I knew being the daughter of an alcoholic made me feel guilty for being alive as that is a part of their disease you inherit even if you don't drink. I can't drink. It makes me sick. I have my own home, my own car, and my own money and started to find out who I am and not just husbands' shadow. My kids started to calm down and not be excessively afraid of being put into foster care if I didn't do just the right thing. They made friends. I got credit cards, too many! I stayed in the same town and same house. It's a miracle I ever got this far. People in the community helped me with my ex-husband who accused me of child abuse. After 2 years he was proved a liar and idiot after 7 hours in court with no proof. I can't even tell my kids, "No", none the less hurt them physically! I attended many parenting classes to try to learn what a parent is supposed to do and how children learn naturally and what they need to feel loved. So, now I am ready to rejoin my local church. And....surprise!
I decided to pray for forgiveness and ask Heavenly Father to reveal to me what I needed to repent of. I did, and He did. No one in my church understood except my Pastor. He accepted me completely and never looks down on me even though I can't live up to my church's requirements for re-entry. He doesn't understand how much Christ-like love he has given me. It saved my life in a way.
What I write next is abhorrent to most. In the next 20 years more and more like myself will remember. With the Internet and free communication not guarded by big whatevers........... We will tell the stories of our lives... We will heal from that which is unspeakable... We will be free!
All my compulsions to protect my children from being taken from me, from dying under the hands of strangers; all my fears of men and at the same time compulsions to be with them come from my real childhood. Much research has been done. One third of all trauma victims remember nothing, one third remember some, and one third remember all. Each is unique. All is stored within the mind for the individual to take as they can and will for there own personal journey.
Mine is as follows:
(Note to those of you who are survivors: much of this will TRIGGER YOU. Read it at your own discretion please. Thank you.)
I received 24 hours of Satanic Ritual Abuse Memories as an answer to my prayer. These came instantaneously. It took me a whole year to come out of shock. Knowledge has been my friend so I started to research things in my local library and by talking to possibly knowledgeable individuals. I learned nothing so I went to the Internet. Every memory I received was unique to myself. Sometimes after a memory came I would find a similar kind of act being talked about from others, but I knew mine were mine.
I knew they were real because of two things:
When body memories came some of my physical handicaps got better or disappeared.
I found in my memory reasons for many of my fears and could re-evaluate my choices in my current life.
As an old saying is: "The Truth Will Always Set You Free...."
In learning about sra (satanic ritual abuse) I discovered most don't believe it. It's too scary and means man is really evil if they choose to be. It's hard to look at society that way. It hurts too much. Its commonly called Denial....
I also discovered that most who encountered SRA memories were a cover up for intentional government controlled sponsored (and your tax dollars paid for, sorry!) research into all areas of your human body. Telekinesis, psychic phenomena, hypnosis, intentional creation of multiple personalities, testing to see how much a human can withstand of tortures and pain prior to death, the list is endless. I acquired 9 notebooks each 2 inches thick of data in 3 months just from the Internet, none duplicated.
To the groups of people who used my mother, life is only sacred if they can use yours for their purposes.
I feel to not go into detail. I can say I was forced to kill my best friend, I witnessed murder, death, mutilations, ceremonies to combine spirits (dark) and humans. I saw children be born and then immediately sacrificed along with their mothers' for use of the cult. Nothing you might believe in is cared for by them.
I didn't think I had any government connection. I was wrong and still am trying to piece together the puzzle.
I was used in experiments with water, drugs, electroshock, and animals. I was trained to obey my handler. I was trained to know that disobedience meant death.
That is where my conditioning comes from. My compulsion to have children comes from a natural desire to be accepted by my group. My feelings are common among sra survivors. That's how I know I am not crazy.
Until these memories came I always feared my death and that of my children. I never believed in any future. It's still far away from me. Time was always my enemy. I had no knowledge that anyone I loved would be there the next day.
When my journey of healing is done, the future will be my best friend for in it is hope of a New World for me and my children.
Thank You.
Wendella K.
Chapter Two: Thinking About Life
Subject: Re: request
Date: Thursday, May 04, 2000 12:38 PM
Dear Wendella,
So glad to hear that you are writing you're narrative! You requested a set of interview style questions think this is a good idea, and I will include the list of questions in the next newsletter I will be putting out later this month in case other contributors might also find it helpful. Please let me know if this method works for you.
Do you think it possible to get your narrative to me by June 1st? That would be very helpful if possible. Just let me know. Also, if you can send your story via email that is the best so that I won't have to key it in again. Please refer to the newsletter I sent you, and also the letter entitled "Dear Contributor" for more suggestions for writing your narrative.
Here are the questions I came up with:
1. Were you abused as a child? As an adult?
2. How were you abused?
3. How often did the abuse occur?
4. Did you carry these memories with you into adulthood, or did you retrieve these memories later?
5. Did you have therapy or other help in dealing with the abuse as a child?
6. What type of therapy or other help have you sought as an adult?
7. Do you feel that your history as a survivor had an impact on your birth experiences? If so, please list the ways in which you feel this is so, for each child.
8. Do you feel that your history as a survivor impacted your bonding with your baby(is)?
9. Do you feel that your history as a survivor has had any affect on your ability or willingness to breastfeed your baby(ies)?
10. Do you feel that you were treated with compassion and respect by your primary care providers during your pregnancy and birth experiences?
11. Do you believe that your history as a survivor has had any negative impact on your ability to be the kind of mother you wish to be?
12. Do you believe that your history as a survivor has had any positive impact on your ability to be the kind of mother you wish to be?
13. What type of therapy or recovery techniques have you been involved with, and for how long?
14. What aspects of your therapies do you feel have been most helpful?
15. What aspect of your therapies have been not helpful, or even damaging?
16. How do you get the support that you need for your issues now?
17. What advice do you have for other survivors of sexual abuse who are contemplating becoming mothers?
18. What would you like health care providers to know about survivor moms and their needs and issues?
19. What do you want your children to know about abuse? How do you teach them about this subject?
20. Anything else you would like to say?
Thanks for your contributions, Wendella. I look forward to hearing from you
again!
I will now go over the survey questions and add what I may not have covered already.
The first child was conceived and born to help myself. The second child was conceived and born in order to gain approval of the father. The next child was conceived for the same reasons and the father refused any form of birth control. I think I could say all the children were conceived from the same viewpoint. In order for me to stay alive I had to be pregnant to be of worth.
As I mentioned earlier I was terrified to leave my babies. I slept with them in my bed. I never let them cry for any reason. I was trying to protect them, not realizing at the time I felt I was protecting my life as well.
I bonded well with all my children until they could walk. I am not sure why that is. Time will teach me.
Breastfeeding was just a part of my having them close to me. It was alot of work. I also was trained that cows milk was bad so that enforced my desire to breast-feed.
All my midwives were not certified and not associated with any state regulatory agencies. That made them safe I guess. Each one had a different personality. All were very compassionate and caring. They each had their own personal problems too and used helping others intensively to heal themselves. Midwifery is an ancient art. I admire them all for what they give to humanity.
When I am stressed watch out. I learned to give myself time outs years ago. I never beat my kids but I did yell alot. As more memories come I am calmer in many ways. I can even envision playing with my children someday. I was forced to kill my playmate and never played since. I feared playing brought death. At 2 to 3 years old logical conclusions aren't there yet...
Because I have chosen to learn from my experiences I can help almost anyone in stress. If they are willing to listen I can help at least a little bit. I can have compassion where many cannot. I do have pride though; it's hard for me to tolerate those who chose to not grow. I need to work on that one. Learning and being analytical was my escape from my emotions. Emotions are very painful for me, thinking isn't.
I have been in counseling off and on for 7 years. The last 3 more so than before. I chose my counselors and usually the course of the discussions. I can't be hypnotized, I have never taken any anti-depressant drugs, and they scare me to no end. I have never been institutionalized or hospitalized. I learned my own way out of my pain.
Whenever one has a therapist who goes on and on about themselves or tells you they believe you but are lying, even if they think its in your best interest to do so, its very damaging. Trust is more important than anything. Anyone who truly cares can help you. Truth will set you free.
My support now comes from myself, in that I have to keep remembering all the wonderful things I have gained, as in the ability to forgive my mother, which took me several years to do. Secondly, it comes from my oldest son simultaneously with my therapist and some online friends who are all in similar situations as mine. I also get support in that when I learn something, because and directly related to my healing, in sharing that with someone else and they are benefited by it, it's very validating to the whole experience.
Advice on becoming a mother:
Motherhood is the greatest gift, the most intricate way of learning about yourself, past, present and future. The only individuals I would tell to not have children are those who are following in the footsteps of generational abuse and have no desire to heal from it. Their offspring would surely want for love.
If you can see your children as a mirror of yourself, both good and bad and in that forgive yourself and your parents, you will come to enjoy the healing experience of it. Sometimes the pain you re-experience sets you in fear of continuing on in getting better. But remember what you will learn today can set you free of tomorrow. If as a parent you find you are out of control there are many in your community who will help you if you have the right desire in your heart. Sometimes it takes patience even with those who do help you if they understand not the struggles you experience inside to control your emotions and feelings. If you feel bridled by societies standards and that weighs you down, don't feel alone. There are many new and old philosophies, which would tell us that because we are not perfect we are not worthy to be parents. Just remember most of those people themselves may not have ever had children or never experienced their own child hoods with joy. Joy and love and trust beget the same. Where it does not exist in the adult you will also find it lacking in their childhood. When one learns hatred as a child it is excruciatingly painful to unlearn that the love you knew was actually pain. It is very hard to retrain the mind, heart, muscles, emotions; the whole nervous system of a human being is geared to accept that which it experienced as a child. It takes tremendous effort for me to accept peace as love when silence and "peace" meant I didn't know what was coming next.
I survived because I was blessed to live within my mind and heart. I was given the courage somehow to never go against my own internal principals. This has brought me to where I am now.
Another thing I would advise is to allow others to help you raise, love, nurture and discipline your children as long as you can agree with what they believe and actually do. A friend of mine taught me in these last two years that it takes a community to raise a child. This is true. Don't get it confused with "group parenting" or believing that the biological parent is not necessary as many are promoting around the world. It's just a way to spread yourself a little bit better as you are only one person.
To give you an example so there is no confusion; there is a college program in my town called Project Pals. For single parents each child of the family, age 6 years or older, is assigned a college student to take them somewhere once a week for about an hour. With myself being single and having 5 little ones, this program has really helped all of us. It has taught my children much.
One last thing that I never learned and have great difficulty in accepting. First, a child's self-esteem comes from the love seen and expressed between his parents. If a child has a parent with abandonment issues that is almost impossible. Even if there is separation or divorce, never saying anything negative about personal issues regarding the other parent will greatly enhance your child's self-esteem.
It took many, many years for this next idea to come forth and many may disagree with me. If the parents take time for themselves, despite a lifestyle so busy they can't keep up, and show by this and other ways that they know that they are important, the children will grow up knowing that as well. When you are recovering from years of abuse, there are many times that you are so frustrated with your own behavior it feels really awkward to reward yourself.
Health care providers can help or hurt depending on their personal backgrounds and the view from which they enter your lives. Only truly compassionate people in whatever field will be able to understand what you are going through. It behooves one to learn how to kindly teach others about abuse and its effects. I had many help me and many hate me.
I would ask them to be more open to not follow standard, rote procedures and really be there for the individual at hand. Listening with the actual intent to hear can be a great kindness.
My children have learned much that only they know. They know what insecurity is very much so. They bonded together unusually strong for children. They know men are not supposed to hit and they know if they are scared to go to the police. I have tried to teach them to respect each other but haven't done that very well, as I did not know what it felt like myself. I guess I learned that how I allow my children to treat each other is how they will in turn treat their spouses and children. I hope I have given them a better start in life then what I had.
I want to mention boundaries. If you are a therapist reading this you will see that I had no boundaries. I was never safe. For a child, as I have learned, boundaries bring security. Its what keeps them calm. I never had any and the ones I did have were of my own choosing as I had decided that the pain was too great to continue on in pursuit of that course of action. I learned in every instance that I was able to carry it out; that saying something, doing it, making it stick was the greatest gift I could give to my children. It is my greatest weakness. Every time I try to set a boundary, my past kicks in and fear of death, and I usually give in to my kid's desires. In my own way I am continuing the abuse here, yet I am not strong enough to overcome it. I must forgive myself this several times a day. I just can't take away anything or deny my kids anything when it's not a life and death situation. That is all I grew up with. Anything less is simply unimportant in my subconscious mind. So, if you have the strength in your heart to make boundaries and keep them, your children will grow up being able to function well within societies bounds.
I would like to say that I have much yet to learn. That patience with yourself, forgiveness of yourself and your imperfections, that forgiveness of your abusers and hope they can change, in others words...
"Forgiveness Without Charity Is Nothing."
Thank you for inviting me to contribute.
Respectfully,
Wendella K.
Chapter Three: The Journey Begins
Today is January 4, 2000. It is around 10:00 a.m. and all my kids are in school. I want to start typing the specifics of my first SRA memory, but I guess that is not so easy too do.
The Mockery of Christ
"He looked like he was supposed to be a mockery of Christ when he was crucified, but we knew better. He was our brother of ten years old who was "dumb'; he couldn't talk. When they told him he had a special assignment he smiled at them which said, ""Yes, Master!", so innocently happy to serve them.
When they killed him they gloated over his innocence. That is a victory to them you know. Taking the lives of innocent children to their grave. What they don't know is that Jesus is there waiting for them, the innocent ones, to take to an eternal state of immortal glory only the valiant in life can achieve. The age of eight is not a barrier either for those raised to treat good as evil and evil as good. Heavenly Father loves all. That never changes or falters. That is why we are commanded to forgive because only He knows what's in their hearts. When we judge, we only condemn ourselves of our own pride and lust at power over anther's soul. That makes Heavenly Father sad.
What has seemed to affect me most about this incident was the idea that I had seen someone die because they lied. These creatures taught that Jesus Christ was not a God or a Son of a God, but a mockery of all that a God could represent. In this, they raised Satan or Lucifer, (he commands them to call Him 'The Father' when they address them), to themselves, within themselves and in there now cold, forgotten hearts, as the one and only Savior. Jesus teaches us to Love. Do you know what Love is? Do you know what forgiveness is? Have you ever made a small mistake and thought you would die for it? Well, that is what Satan taught and it permeates the soul almost impossible to unchain oneself from.
I grew up believing that if I told a lie I would be crucified - in whatever way 'The Father' chose. These feelings and beliefs have been hidden from me for 40 years. Just as most Prophets were taught for 40 years in a sense, so was I. Much have I learned and am still learning about myself that when uncovered brings me out of a state of turmoil and confusion no one but God himself could understand.
If you believe that what you see is real you try to learn from it. If you don't know good from bad or right from wrong, anything an older person desires can be taught to you. If pain and threat of death or dying is involved or loss of a loved one, that teaching never goes away without great effort and recreating the same environment and feelings as was once experienced.
Only 2 years ago did I realize I would not be killed for lying. It was good and bad. Now I have to make conscious choices about what to say to whom and how much and when and relearn all the normal natural social skills that a baby and little child does. The experiences took away my ability to have common sense as most people call it. I have had to learn it, 'Line upon line and precept upon precept'; one painful step at a time.
Everything we experience teaches us something whether we know it or not at the time. We "learn", by our experiences when they are recalled for exploration and evaluation. When one becomes prideful about something and refuses to "look", they stop learning and freeze right where they are.
I know I can lie now and not die. But when I do lie, my conscious, which Jesus allowed me to have and nurture, still dies a little and then I must learn to forgive myself my error. Many people call this process in a religious sense, "Repentance".
The women wore dirty, black robes with hoods. Yes just like in the movies. Only these were not pretty women. I can't really see their faces but I can feel their ugliness. That is a kind word. They lusted over the death of this young boy as a sacrifice, an offering to their 'Father' of their love for him. Let me try to explain what that means from what I have learned. Love in Christ's world means the ability to control oneself for growth and harmony in a society free with joy and happiness.
Love in Satan's world means complete control, power and dominion over another to absolutely posses one's soul. To love Satan was to allow him to absolutely posses your 'everything'. Your mind, your body, your heart, your thoughts, your joy, your pain, even to posses that which another might wish to give you. You could have nothing without Satan owning it as well.
In Christ's world, all is ours to keep or freely give to another. If we chose to give to Christ he rewards us by giving us back 3 or 4 fold of that which we shared and he never keeps anything we do not want him too. They are exact opposites. Satan leads to total control and power taking away all light and knowledge and choices with him, and Christ gives so freely that at times we cannot accept all the blessings that come.
I knew something was wrong when the women poured the boy's blood over me. It felt awful. It did 't make me feel warm - it took all my warmth away. I guess that is partly how I knew it was wrong. Somehow cold didn't feel like love to me.
The Light of Christ is a gift to all promised to us in the Bible. This light brings many things that we all take for granted. Do you think that we would enjoy the beautiful clear blue sky, of the sweet sounds of a robin singing in the morning or even the innocent smile on a babies newborn face if we weren't born and created in a likeness of his image? How can cold be a part of us unless something has been added or taken away that was originally there? Can you find anything about Satan's world that is warm and beautiful? I think not.
I know that there are other memories of women touching me as when I get to close to a group of women I become so numb as to block off my feelings so I can stay and try to be a part of what is happening in the present. I know not all of my past and never will. I know Satan uses women in what I might call a 'Coven' to do his works. They, 'Covens', are an abomination to me.
It makes me sad that little children can be taught so much ugliness. Yet with how Jesus Christ has saved me, I know and have great joy in the resurrection. For my soul shall live in Him, yet my sins be as dust and return to me not unless it is my will to relive them. Not one part of my heart will He let Satan take away from me as long as I believe in Him. Jesus will never abandon me. He is always there by my side even when I cannot see Him. Trust in Him and Thou shalt live forever!
My Best and Forever Friend - Maggie
In one of the first memories that came to me immediately after I prayed, I had killed a little girl. She had beautiful light blonde curly hair like that of an angel. When the memory came I was in a daze - a state of mind where you believe nothing is real and yet everything becomes more real than life itself.
For me these memories threatened my very existence. I had been living all the commandments and had asked God to forgive me and for his blessing. To receive these memories as a gift was almost impossible. So I did what I had trained myself to do and that was to pray - again. I asked Heavenly Father to cast out the evil from my mind and bring me peace. The answer came and I can still hear it in my heart, "Maggie is real."
All my counselors had told me to treat them as if they were real. They gave me no other advice. It took me a long time to accept this. Months later another feeling came into my heart, "They made you do it."
After this I saw in my minds eye a vision of Maggie standing beside Christ, both in their respective glories. I knew she was okay and had forgiven me. I even knew she loved me and was watching over me and my children. She is a very special friend.
Here is the memory:
We had been dancing around the fire as children do, excited by the flames and dancing lights. The others were prepared. We knew someone would die tonight. They tried to teach us that we were going to be reborn when we died into a New World where Satan would love and take care of us. I knew in my heart it was a lie.
I heard the Horns. These were used to start the ceremony and announce the arrival of Him. He came out dressed in costume with an animal head on his shoulders like a bull/goat beast. It wasn't pretty. It was evil.
He came and took Maggie and lifted her up. She was smiling from dancing. He spun her around as if he was happy. Then all of a sudden he threw her hard to the ground. The horns blew louder and louder. I heard something break as she fell.
It appears as if he is scolding her for disobeying. She doesn't react. She doesn't move. Her eyes are staring and not talking to me. I can't tell what is happening to her. There is a small trickle of blood running down from her nose.
He orders, "Place her on the Alter of Eternal Sacrifices." I scream in my mind, "No, NO, not my Maggie. Take me, take me, I will go...Please let her live. She is my friend." But I could only show acceptance or I would die too. Death was instantaneous if you showed anything but complete acceptance. I had seen many die from the "tail", a fiery bolt of lightning from his hand. They died without thought or feeling. No one cared. No one cried. No one lived.
Several people hooded ran and picked her up and placed her on the altar. They started to sing and sway. They get naked and have an orgy. It is glutinous, like beasts at a wild feast.
He comes and takes me by the hand. He is a black man. He looks at my mother as he takes me over to the altar where Maggie is. My mother replaces her clothing and comes to us. The others follow, as my mother is the leader of the women. They crowd around as if they are going to miss seeing something wonderful - the initiation of a daughter of Satan's Bride.
They start to chant, "Do it... Do it... Do it... Do It...", over and over and over until it's all I can think or hear in my mind. I feel an evil presence try to come inside my body and I being an expert at this tell it to go away and no one but the spirit knows. I am still in control of my mind. They do not have me. I vowed that they never would, even if I died staying loyal to myself and what I thought was right. I hated them and they did not know it.
He looked at my mother again. She obeyed his command and took the sword and cleansed it upon her own flesh of her left hand. She turned and looked at me and I knew what she was going to make me do. I had seen her do it before, laughing afterwards like she was so happy it wasn't herself that had been killed, yet knowing within herself that living like this was worse. I was sick. I had within me all the normal feelings one would have if you were being forced to kill your best friend.
As part of the ceremony my mother wiped her own blood on Maggie’s hair, then cut off a lock of it and used it as some sort of offering. The crowd watching started the 'witches chant', it's worse than listening to rabbits scream. It sends chills of horror worse than death up your spine. I knew when my mom turned and looked at me that she was possessed and had let the evil spirit enter her. I knew she was lost and if I didn't do everything exactly as I was commanded I would die and no one but me would even care...
Her eyes told me, "You will enjoy doing this as did your Forefathers of old. Many have died to bring you this joy." She put her right arm around my shoulders and walked over to where Maggie lay on the altar. "Take her," she said. I knew what that meant. I took off her clothes and spread her legs and licked her clean. I had done this many times. It was my job to clean off the women and prepare them for Him to Take. It was supposed to be an honor to do this but it made me sick....
I saw Him disrobe. He was Black and hard. They held her body down. He screamed in delight as he entered her and had orgasm. Maggie made no sound or movement. When he was finished I had to clean him off also. Many times he would come again in my mouth. It always hurt. When he got up I knew I had pleased him, as I was still alive. He said, "Now." Someone handed me the knife. I walked over to Maggie and tried to raise it above her head. I pretended to be too weak to lift it. My mother nodded to a woman in the circle who showed compassion on my situation, for if I couldn't do it, I would die also. She came over and put her hand over mine. Together we raised the knife and let it fall on Maggie. I heard a voice in my heart say, "It is not my will that you should die. Be not afraid for I am with you."
The price the young woman paid for helping me was her death. Her name was Gloria and she now stands with Christ also.
I owe my life to two people forever, Maggie and Gloria. Thank you.
As usual His creatures came from out of the dark to torment her dead body. For some reason they were not allowed much.
Now I am home in my bedroom very sad, yet not remembering much of the night. Just enough to say a prayer to the only help I knew as an innocent child:
Oh, Mister Moon
Oh Mister Moon, I am sorry.
I had to kill Maggie.
Oh Mister Moon,
Take me home to you.
I know you are nice and
Won't make me do bad things.
Oh Mister Moon,
Will you please like me?
I hate my Mom and Dad, but love them.
The black man is bad.
He tastes bad.
Can you take me home so
I don't have to see him again?
Oh Mister Moon,
Where is Heaven?
Where is Maggie?
Can I ever play with her again?
Oh Mister Moon,
I don't want to grow up.
Can you keep me little
So I don't have to be Reborn?
Well Mister Moon,
It's late.
I guess tomorrow will
Be another day.
I will let you go,
Mister Moon.
Say good-bye,
Mister Moon.
I may never travel again
This way;
Mister Moon …
I may never know how 'real' these things are,
but I will always have to live with them.
It has been a few days since I wrote. I had many experiences on the Internet both good and bad and also a custody hearing to attend too. I believe it is time to write my entire book and finish it. I want to share with you the good things that have happened to me as I recalled my Maggie. I have never been able to really know that I loved another or that another loved me. I have never known I didn't know this. I never could play silly simple games with anyone; I was always very, very serious. I didn't gain my own sense of humor until I was 36 years old in the hospital with my daughter having seizures and on dylantin not knowing if she would survive healthy, or die.
In thinking about Maggie since I last wrote, I found a moment where we were playing. It's peaceful. I knew she would tease me but still loved me no matter how I chose to react. Also in this brief moment I trusted her. I knew she would never betray me or harm me. I knew love! In having that memory, I realized what true love and trust should be. We learn it as a small child. Children don't ever intentionally hurt another. It's not a part of their hearts. They have to be taught to hate. When I was forced to participate in Maggie's death, I lost that forever until last week when through all my searching I saw how God had allowed me to keep the good and the bad in my memory. Now when I look at my fiancee I know I can eventually learn to love him that way and trust him that way. This is always what I dreamed of and I found it in the worst memory that I have.
Yesterday when I went home my daughter was dancing to a Disney song. She is wonderful, like a silly clown. I joined in with her for a moment. Not embarrassed or shy. It was wonderful. Thank you God for bringing me back myself in my memory of Maggie.
I feel to add a note here; from the first time to this second time I had to recall the memory of Maggie, the memory changed in that it had more details each time, and sometimes they would not be consistent. In learning about the mind and trauma I realized I will never know exactly what happened or who was involved, but I did recover some of the best parts of myself that were locked away. If you compare this to several adults or children sitting in a circle on the floor playing a memory game wherein the first person is told a sentence and by the time it gets to the last person only a small fragment of the original sentence is retained. This is how I look on my memories. All the other memories were written once. I couldn't find my notes on Maggie. This is as honest as I can get. Thank you.
The Birth
Today is February 13, 2000. I was very depressed recently. No matter how hard I tried I didn't want to face the memories any more. But I guess I just have to do it like going to a job that I don't like. My daughter is making new friends and learning truth and it is wonderful to watch her.
The next memory I will deal with is about a young girl.
It's dark. I cannot see anyone clearly. I can hear her screams and the others wooing. I don't know what else to call it. They are waiting to see if the child is going to be a girl or a boy. The girls are to be instantly killed unless they are fair haired or preordained Brides of Satan. The mother is a young girl. Drugged. She is limp on the bed. As someone is holding her underneath her arms from behind a man comes walking in smiling. I know him. He is not kind. He touches her swelled belly with his finger and says, "Girl. Death to life. We will try again." Then the screams turn blood curdling. A woman, her mother says, "No, I gave her to you but not the child. " A man comes from the darkness and slaps her hard across her face with the knowledge in his look that she will die if she speaks again. A knife is put inside the child's womb. There is no sound from the child. The blood fills the bed. They pull the body of the now dead baby onto the bed. It does not move. It had black hair like the mother. No one speaks. The face of the child's' mother is ashen white. They take the baby away I know not where. The child who gave birth is aroused with smelling salts. He comes to tell her something in her ear. There is no identifiable response from the girl. With a glove on his hand he puts his hand inside her womb and pulls out the placenta and holds it up for others to come claim. Even the placenta on an unwanted one is worth much to these creatures. Many rush like vultures to a kill and scramble to claim it. One young one is on the floor kneeling and begging the Man, "May I try?" this child asks, seemingly to please him. He does not answer but walks away. The mother comes from afar screaming, "How could you have killed the child (baby), it was your own flesh and blood?" The man ignores her but points to another with a downward stroke of his hand. Soon a man dressed in foreign clothes comes and says to the mother of the child whose baby was taken, "Shall I take your life or hers for your disobedience?" She hesitates and in that moment the scabbard comes down on the drugged girl on the bed and she is no more.
I don't know if this is real or just a wonderfully evil imagination I have, but that's what I saw in my minds' eye as I wrote. It seemed that all that transpired was normal. Just the usual in this hellish scene.
I have nothing to say about it except that its out of my mind now and I was not responsible for anything that happened. I know those things happen.
His Children
I am not sure what to write about the tunnels. It is so dark and all I can see is blackness and red eyes darting here and there. I know its how we went from place to place when we were hiding. No one ever knew about the tunnels. We, or at least the grown ups who took us into them, they didn't even seem to know how to get there. I remember Him taking me there alone. He had a different look in his eye like he had a part of him that actually cared for me. He seemed sad almost that he couldn't change and stop loving me, which in his world was giving Him pain. Then the look changed in his eyes and the horror was there again. I thought he was going to call in the children, not human children but His children. Small strange blackish brown creatures not very tall. I think that they weren't allowed to leave the tunnels. He knew they would be discovered and taken from him. They couldn't talk, but you could hear them in your mind. It was very frightening. They seemed to be able to entrance you to where you would loose control of your own self and not know from where your thoughts were coming. I know they wanted me to willingly have sex with Him, but I knew it was wrong. When He came to me I was not in the trance and He yelled at his children. You see He couldn't enter my mind unless I was unconscious and still and that was what He wanted the most. I had seen a vision of a beautiful mans' face who smiled at me and when I was afraid I put this mans' picture in my mind and for some reason He couldn't get in. Angrily He left and the children taunted me. A lady came and led me out of the chamber in the tunnel saying, "He is obsessed with you. He will try again."
Today is Wednesday, February 16, 2000. I listened to two tapes of survivors last night and boy did that help me. All the feelings I have of trying to deny and destroy my memories are totally normal. The lady I listened to had similar things happen to her and she had the same exact same feelings as I do. So, now that I know again in a sense that I am normal I will march on through this abyss and when I am done go on vacation!
The Dance of the Bodies
He came in the room. She had already been raped and almost murdered, but her soul still clung into her body. She was a pretty woman with red hair. She had disobeyed him and refused to give to him her daughter for marriage. She was tortured and beaten and now he will try to take her soul. This dance is only done once a year on the New Solstice of the Forbidden Moon. It doesn't happen very often. He calls together his Anointed ones from afar to come and worship him. His children are allowed to come, but they must be silent, even in their minds for His concentration is great. He believes that if he can take or partake of the soul as it leaves the body he can use it to change himself into the flesh. It is His one longing, His one desire; His love for eternity to feel the flesh his father denied him of. He never knew what emptiness power was to have until He found He could not inhabit a body.
He had loved her. He had wanted her to obey. But without complete obedience in his world, death will be the blessing given no matter how it comes.
They brought in a man, awake, somewhat conscious. It was her husband. He was the one who had covenanted with Him. Oh, how sad he is now. He saw his wife. "Corrine, Corrine!" He could say no more. He went to him and said, "I am sorry. She wouldn't give the child. So I will take you both; and then the child." He came at him and knocked him unconscious. He called to one of his witch wives and commanded her to inhabit the man. He believed that same sex transference was impossible. You could see the intenseness in his eyes. The witch woman put herself into a trance and did some kind of symbol work with items I can't see over the mans body. Then she passed out and fell to the floor. He closed his eyes and in a flash was in the woman's body. He sat her up. He grinned. He laughed. "Success!" he roared. His witch wife, now his partner, slowly stood up and came to him. She, remember she is in the husbands body and He in the woman's, took off her clothes and laid herself on Corrine. The arousal came. The union was made and He was satisfied. Then a Voice came from the Clouds; "Thou shalt not have them, for they are mine. I command you, Leave! Depart, and let their bodies rest in peace!" He was stunned and shoved off his witch wife in the mans body. "You have no rights here." "You are your own god in your own world. Leave me to mine." The Voice became a spirit in the form of a mans body, "Thou shalt not desecrate the Holy Temple, Thou shalt not make the covenant a mockery! Be Gone, before I call on the Legions of Angels in Heaven to torment you!" He knew he must leave. He came out of his trance and left Corrine's body. I had never seen him so full of the anger of sin. I have no real words to call it. He knew he was taking a risk as these two humans had been sealed for time and all eternity in the Temple under the covenant and He knew Jesus would interfere. Yes, the man had sinned, but to his own demise it was in innocence. Satan left. The angels came and took the bodies to a proper place of burial. Satan returned to that altar no more.
The Tunnels
All I remember are many, many dark and long tunnels. They took me by the hand. They walked and walked and walked. There was an occasional torch up above my head on the left. They didn't talk. They didn't whisper. They were almost not there. They seemed almost scared, but it was different. I saw a glow up ahead. Then I saw him. He was arrayed in golden robes, flowing - glowing, as if they were illuminated with their own light. But it wasn't a white light. It was almost red.
They sat me down. I was not close to him but not far away. He had a red jewel that was around his neck. It appeared to be beautiful, yet I didn't like it. They said their prayer to Allah, but that wasn't the real name. It was a name I chose not to remember. It brought bad things when you said it. I saw my mother. She was dressed in black. I think he came over to me and the jewel hanging from his neck touched me. I think I saw an eye in it looking at me. It scared me. I thought I heard the words, "I Love You", but it felt like, "I am going to eat you". The feelings were intense. I started to shake. He stood up and turned. He said to my mother and also me somehow, "You have earned the right to be my Bride, forever, in my Kingdom as my Queen. One of the Lowliest of Low, and the Highest of the High. Make the sacred covenant with me, and you will be eternally mine to reign in my kingdoms on the Earth."
I know she said something but I can't hear it. She turned slowly and disrobed in front of Him. The lights that were flashing were red and blue and green. I saw blackness like a fog in the shape of a serpent enter her through her nostrils. Her eyes became red. She started bleeding from her lips and mouth. She turned to him and a deep dark awful voice came out of her. She uttered some strange words and then fell to the ground. I knew that she wouldn't be my mother anymore. It was like watching her die. Many women took off their clothes and started dancing around her. They chanted and called for her return to her body. I saw her move. She started to arise. He brought her a golden robe not dissimilar to his own. He took her away.
I didn't see her again until we got home in the morning. She seemed not to know anything had happened. I asked her where Dad was. She smiled and said he had gone to work. The phone rang. It was him. She told me she had to go on an errand. We got in the car. We went to a hotel. We always went to hotels. I waited in the car. She came back and asked me if I would like to come in. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to go with her but she was my mother and I loved her. We went inside and up the stairs. We went down a long hallway to the end corridor. We turned left and a door was open. Music was coming from the inside. There were many people. I recognized the fat lady with blonde curly hair. She had an awful laugh. Mom said that these were her bridge friends but I knew better. They put me on top of the table. They closed the outside door. I saw red in their eyes. I thought that they were going to eat me. I wanted to go home. He came in the room but he wasn't dressed fancy anymore. He was black. He was beautiful in a way. He picked me up and told me I was going to play fancy. Now I think I am three years old. He put his large dark hand through my hair. He put his hand under my chin. He said, "I am going to make love to your mother and you are going to watch. Then we are going to make love to you. He put his hand up under her dress and started to touch her. I could feel her feelings. She really liked it. She took her dress off. She didn't seem to care that many were watching. He put his mouth down between her legs and started sucking and kissing her there. Her moaning was intense. I saw her take a drag off of a cigarette. Maybe it was marijuana. As she began to reach a climax He jabbed her with his hand and she screamed. Then it was a moan. Then a scream. He looked at me and said she was ready. He laid her down on top of the table and mounted her. With each thrust she screamed and moaned. When he was done he stopped. There was blood coming out of my mother. He touched it and tasted it and said, "You are pregnant by him." "Be careful not to loose the child." "It will be a great blessing to you and your children." I wanted to go home. I did not enjoy what I saw.
Then a lady came to me and said it was my turn. I screamed at her, " NO! NO! NO!" I kicked her, I fought her; I tried everything. She held me down. He came. He looked at me with his red eyes. He told me that my Father had prepared me and I knew what to do. I started to tremble. I didn't want to bleed. I didn't want to pass out. I didn't want to be sore.
I calmed myself down and said, "I don't feel good. Can we do this tomorrow, please." He picked me up and said, "Sure, Sugar". Then he threw me across the room and I landed on the floor. I was dizzy. I saw black. I couldn't think or feel. I saw a speck of light. I was in the same room. I heard him say, "Put her in the closet until she begs to come out." They picked me up and threw me in a closet. There were some dirty shoes on the floor. I made them into a pillow and went to sleep. When I woke up I was at home in bed.
Dirty Shoes . . .
Dirty Shoes; for a pillow.
Dirty shoes; for a night bed.
No place for my head.
All they thought, was that I was dead.
Dirty shoes; all mine.
Too remember,
For all time.
Do they want me to die?
Don't they care when I cry?
Dirty Shoes,
I will always remember.
Dirty Shoes.
Mine Forever…
This file holds my new memories previously not typed. I don't know how to include them now so I will just enter them in and place them later. Maybe I will just let you, the reader, try to figure out the puzzle they represent. You might better understand them yourself, as your perspective is much further away than mine.
New Memory
Date 4/4/2000 time 6:30 P.M. Tuesday
I knew a memory was coming so I let it. It is another baby memory. I will type it exactly as I wrote it today.
Moms on alter...woman blonde hair... Naked baby; alter; crying... baby white dress altar...baby dress bathed (by) mother (in) blood....
"Your mother's blood will cover you from death when you die in the Christian world and go to the Holy Land of our God the Father Lucifer. Praise. Praise be to his name." Raise child in air, gold light distant music dances. Hold me up and parade me around room. Put me down on floor in circle of five-pointed star with symbols and candles and snakes. "Death to those who love you if they fear not our God katein hamen Amen (backward name alure erula.) See me see the fire. Play the dance (naked women and men dancing). Play the tune (had special meaning). "She is the Holy One sent from God (Satan) who will anoint our heads with holy water from her loins when she spills the blood of her ancestors on the ground. Oh, Satan nasar oletis socurm Jehovah hove Yahweh. We know they in the bowels of our minds and the loins of our flesh (standing in circle fire me middle snakes lots of people). We have waited for this day for 3066 years. (3 days 6 nights 7 min 0 hour.) He has come to claim you, Oh risen one. Doubt not the power that he gives. You are divine." (Satan's gifts to me.) (Strange language hear in mind from memory not understood evil don't want to repeat.) Circle dances. My body raised up from floor floating black spiritual things come and touches me. FEELS cold, very cold. They go all through me. Gold ring around my head? White bluish cloud essence (smell dead flesh burnt?). They stop. They are on their knees bowing a great horned thing (like hologram on wall but in air of goat head as someone would expect if Satan himself were to appear). Huge appears and outs steps a man a beautiful man dark hair outfit is black no gold while eyes blue red center. I become a grown woman and stand up. Blond hair. Baby body still on floor. I step out of away from my body and I am in three places. (One me as baby, two me as spirit looking down, three me as beautiful woman walking away from my own baby body with man who came out of the hologram.) He crowns me (the blonde woman) and puts a ring of gold and rubies on my finger (picture vagina pierced and bleeding from something, stomach in real life hurts.) The image of Him and Woman (me) disappears. The lights go on. Everyone is dressed in white and I am sleeping in a crib.
Laughter. Alcohol, whiskey, smell it. Someone spills some alcohol on me in crib. Woman, "You bastard! How dare you spill that filth on my child? She was baptized tonight. She is His now. I don't have to take care of her. She will never die". Man's finger tickling my foot. "You are a sweet child. Take care not to forget me." Black man grins. Music: "He Will Always Be Near".
"Mary"
It is Thursday and I am pissed. My boyfriend and my baby-sitter want me to go into their world. My world is not like theirs. They care but they cannot see. In the last two days I have seen and felt death and death and murder and no one caring about it. No one cares. They always want me to care and they don't. I see body parts of a small girl or a baby glistening on the snow. My mother walks by and says, "They didn't do a very good job of cleaning it up did they". We get in the car and leave. She had been murdered the night before. Now I see Her picking up the pieces with a cloth and saying, "We can feed her to the dogs. They will like her." She looks at me and says; "Now you know what will happen to us if we don't do what they say". The evil in her eyes is enough to want to die right then. I am so cold. She puts it in the trunk of the car and says, "No one will find it in the hills." I see in my minds' eye us going up the road where we lived in Alaska. I have always hated strange roads. I thought she was going to take me and kill me herself. Dad didn't know. He thought she played bridge a lot. We went after school at times to clean up the mess. She drove a long ways. It was almost night. She got out and got a shovel. "Dig", she said. I wasn't very big and the ground was hard. I couldn't do it. "Mommy I cant, it's too hard." She had a torch. She lit it. She heated up the shovel. It didn't work. "We will have to go further. Grab the bag and walk". We walked as far as we could and left the bag under a tree with lots of leaves. I saw a little hand sticking out. I knew it was Mary then, the neighbor's girl. They said she went away on a long trip. I said goodbye. "Hurry, hurry. We have to get home before dad knows. Tell him we went to the store." It was a long trip home down the winding mountains. I saw the lights of the houses, but it wasn't ours. We went and went and went. I wanted to tell her next time I was sick but she never allowed me to be sick. She always said sick people die and she didn't want me to die. We got closer to home but it seemed like we could never get there. Honking. An accident. We drove through it. The officer said knowing my mom and what she was doing; "It's a late night ma'am to be out. You should hurry home and get your daughter to bed." We soon arrived home and we took a bath. I didn't like baths because sometimes there was blood in the water. "Showers don't make you clean. They just make you dirty. Good girl take your bath and mommy will fix dinner." I couldn't eat. I wanted to be sick, but sick people die. I went to bed and pulled the covers up over my head. I hoped they wouldn't come and get me for killing Mary. I liked Mary. She was nice. I watched them eat her brains. They said it would make me smart if I did. I had it in my hand and said, "Oh, I'm sorry," and dropped it. Being clumsy was good. I never had to do anything because I was clumsy. The blood was still on my hands and I wiped it in the snow. I saw the moon outside it was cold. I hoped someone could see me in the moon and know I didn't want Mary to die. I didn't want to die. Help me God. God. Is he there? Is He real? My mom's god was a black man in a uniform who came to the house and told her things. We did what he wanted. He told her I would never remember. He smiled and I saw his white teeth. I thought that they should be red. I saw him naked with her. He was big. She liked it. He was a Colonel. He didn't come often when dad was around. Maybe never. My brother ignored him. He gave us toys but I didn't play with them. I hide them and threw them away. I wouldn't let him touch me. I got punished for it. He stopped coming one day and mommy said it was over. We didn't have to go cleaning anymore. They had set her free. She started drinking. She said she had paid her debt for her wrongs. She cried and held me and said she was sorry. He came again and was angry. She said no, I'll tell on you and go to jail. He came in the mail. She cried. She wanted to tell dad but didn't. She had parties for me and said she wanted me to have lots of friends.
I was afraid they would all die. I never knew when someone I loved would die.
The Colonel
I saw a line of cells. I knew they had taken George. He was an old man. He cried to me; to anyone for help. I couldn't help Him. This is the place my mom went to meet the Colonel. He was always happy to see Her. "How is it going?" he would ask her. She would always say fine. "How is your family?" Doing well she would say. "Here is your next assignment. Its in the hills and will take you awhile. Take a camera and take pictures. You had better go alone. Tell me what you find. I will be waiting to here from you". He shook her hand and as he sat behind his desk he winked at me. I knew what his smile meant. We went to a hotel later and he was there. I guess that was the mountains he meant. He never said what he meant. My mom took off her clothes and he licked her. Then he mounted her. She seemed to like it. He was different sometimes. When others were around he put on a show of being mean. He was strange. After he was done they would smoke in bed together. Then there was a knock on the door. A lady came in and said we had to go. They dressed and we went together to get ice cream. Then a movie. Are they dating? He liked to put his hand between my legs and tickle me. I didn't like it. Sometimes he would pinch me there and tell me I liked it. She said, "That can wait till later". We have to go. He took us home and she kissed him goodbye.
Confused
We lived in lots of places until we met Don. He was nice. He didn't touch me. He begged my mom to marry him. She was scared. She didn't know what to do. He never touched me. I prayed to the Man in the Moon that he would stay. One day they went to a special place and had friends there and when they came home he came with her. She was happy. I love my mom. I don't want her to have to do awful things anymore. One day this man came to our home. He was very angry. He yelled at the man who was living with us and told him to leave. The cops came and my mom said she had divorced this man and he should leave. They made him leave. The black man came too but in a different car. He said he would take care of it. My real dad, the one who had to leave, knew he better or he would be killed. I never saw him again. The black man came only a few more times when Don was gone and then one day he said, "You are so good. I will miss you. If you need me I will always be there." She cried. "Call me at home if you need to. Soon I will be restationed elsewhere and it will be hard to find me. You can always call me if you need help". She was sad to see him go but she knew it was over.
Chapter Four: Research on the Internet
After I had written the above memories I felt a great need to find corroboration. I knew I would never find any physical proof. I started searching the Internet. It was safe in the way that I could remain anonymous. I learned quickly that few if any believed in Satan or Satanic Ritual Abuse. I learned quickly that many teach it is all a fantasy and use science and theory to try to prove such. Many people in high places say it doesn't exist and Satan never has.
On this journey I noticed how 99% of all sra victims were also victims of government mind control. Well, you say, what is that? After 6 months of intense research it became very evident to me what it is, and that it is very real.
Let me tell you a story. It may not have a happy ending, but in real life that is how it is sometimes.
Lets start with a planet full of human beings.
They, some of them, are seeking to learn to love and cherish one another. Others are seeking only power and control. The ones seeking power and control think the ones seeking love are inferior. This philosophy can be taught to enter into any child's mind. It usually ends in massacres of millions. This happened in many European countries because of the religion Hitler's Germany adopted called "The Volk." This religion teaches that only your race is pure enough to justify its existence and no other race need exist. "Pure" and "Simple"...mass murder. Well, after the Holocaust was "over", as told to us by the media, these people who believed thusly had to find another means of eliminating those with less than perfect Genetics. Yes, that science began long before anyone was ever told. So you use prisoners of war, handicapped people, mentally unstable people, elderly people and you also use children.
Now, if you have promoted your ideals to others who may also seek to have power and gain, you may enlist their help. Well it seems there is great evidence from many, many survivors that this was done, especially in our own backyard. So, now the goal of the perfect Aryan Race will be accomplished in all countries of the world within the confines of medical research: i.e. doing and achieving great accomplishments for ALL of Mankind...as long as you are of 'VOLK'. There are many groups working towards this goal. So many infact they are too numerous to mention. They in fact control world politics, world media, world education, etc. They also, as is the consequence of seeking power, fight each other allot, which actually hinders their own progress. Its actually quite comical, individuals with millions and billions, even trillions of dollars fighting each other for more of the same. Doesn't seem too intelligent, does it?
Want to get a "little" scared? Imagine this - that every science fiction movie since the 1940's were actually most likely true. Yes true. I have read enough to know that they are most honestly "real" and not "imaginary."
As my research continued many patterns of events, certain group's etc. emerged. If you had a military background and your parents were active in groups like the masons, you had a good chance you were a victim of at least sra abuse and also government mind control.
Chapter Five: The Rest Comes Forth
I obtained 9 notebooks, 1 and 1/2 inches thick on articles downloaded and copied from the Internet on mind control alone. I didn't even have a full one on sra abuse.
I decided because of all the evidence that maybe I had been a part of something like many others had experienced, but it was only an idea. Then after a counseling session one day this memory came, and it was nothing like anything I had read or heard about.
Body Memory
I wrote this in an email to a friend. This was the first memory I had which indicated any kind of government experimentation on myself.
Friday, March 17, 2000
Dear XXXXX,
I am writing this to you because in my heart I believe you can handle what I will say, also because I believe it has been revealed to me in the beginnings of what my search on the net re mind control could not bring me. Please keep a copy of this letter as a witness for me in case sometime in the future anything unpleasant happens to me. I don’t know if this will be triggering to you except that I know you will feel my pain as I write. I love you for your courage.
Love and God Bless,
Wendella K.
TRIGGER; MEMORY; MIND CONTROL; WATER; ELECTROSHOCK; DRUGS; BABIES
Here goes. Let me give you a little background on how I know this is true. In 6 weeks of almost 2 hours daily surfing the net and reading about mind control, I haven't read anything on what I remembered today. Not even a hint of it. I have never seen it in any movie either and no counselor ever suggested it to me. I did one night of scrap booking about 3 weeks ago. I made balloons out of solid colors in magazine pictures. There was 5/6 of them. One had a man’s face, one a women's face, one was blank and I am not sure of the others. Then in my mind, the letters of the word balloon were separated and started spinning and fell respectively to the balloon that they belonged too. Then there was colors coming and going. I left the scrap booking and a few days later began to write about the pictures in my mind that came from doing it. One scene was me going in an airplane with a man in a military uniform. I was little. I was taken to a fancy hotel with glass doors. I was taken to a specific room. I was previously trained in how to entertain an old man. I was trained to be mean to him (details not included here) and this meanness was what he really wanted. After this I went to another room and was used sexually there and finally by a woman. Then I was returned to the airplane. After writing this down I remembered having a dream years earlier about the hotel incident. So I decided to write more when it came and not resist it. Then a couple of days ago I was reading some information I printed off of the net. The paper I had was yellow. It was very hard to read it and I knew it was triggering something but I continued to read it.
The day following this, my whole mind inside and outside of me was consumed with yellow. It wasn't warm, cold, or anything but yellow. You know how a memory has a size and this size is smaller than you are inside yourself, well this yellow was bigger than I was. I looked at it off and on for about a day, went to session today with my therapist, and talked about a lot of things but nothing that for me was hard or heavy. When I left his office I went and parked in a nice warm spot and parked my car. I knew the memory was coming. Also I almost forgot to mention I was having body memories in my right eye, right shoulder, neck and right side of my head the whole day. It was awful. If I hadn't known a memory was coming, I would of thought someone had beat me up the day before.
So what I am going to write now is exactly what I wrote by hand today. I will preface it by saying that all of a sudden a picture came to me in my mind of me as a baby swimming in a pool with some sort of thing on my head.
******Yellow one day yellow black center session eye head right side hurts right shoulder arm pain see me as a baby in swim pool underwater blackness over right eye needle injection into right upper arm needle injection into head lower rub neck (..........means I cant read my hand writing) dye watched flow into brain, causes convulsion, seizure; put in water to stop seizures. Did stop seizures. Black man in swimming pool; head helmet over right side of head. "She is dead." "No". Electroshock woke me up. Saw yellow light some time during this experiment. Always had fear of being underwater. Dye in head; had helmet to see images on screen. Couldn't keep head up. Fell down allot. Thought this was why I grit my teeth when I am stressed.
Right eye held open, hurts; pain. Numbness right side of body. Needle in eye in center? Probe? See picture on screen of dye in brain. "She won't remember a thing. You did well. Come back tomorrow."
Drug to relax me, can't see. Black thing on in near head. Cause cross eyedness? Experiments, experiments. Apparatus on head to breathe. Blue purple plastic like? Tube. Feel something in my mouth right side, maybe numbness upper back mouth back molar (I actually had a physical feeling of something being in my mouth when I wrote it). Small tube into right nostril. Dot on ear, something about ear pain. Lights hurt my eyes. Too bright. Can't see. Noises hurt my ear, cover my ear. Drug made me very sensitive to light (right eye had always been overly sensitive to light and is usually closed if I am looking into the light at any time). Eye always shut bright light, ear not so bad.
I drew a picture of my hand with a ring on the end of each finger and possible wires.
Picture screen lines graph touch body different places get reaction in wavy lines see dye screen electric nipples...
Knees top foot inside nose inside ear behind eye probe see if they cold get my pictures I was seeing and put on camera.
Drew picture of probes into both ears long on outside. Probe into eye deep hurt made eyes water ear hurt.
Probes; right eye between eyeball and nose, right ear, right hand, left foot, left toe, different places different times.
Pressure inside head, head right side hurts needle in left-hand deep hurt emitting tingles up arm, hurts makes me pee.
Hand pressing on stomach finger bowels blood, "She is bleeding internally. We have to stop." Needle spine? Face down had immobile (drew picture of long probes into each ear) were probes in each ear can't move, numb touch feet. Finger in bottom man licking sucking bottom sexual fantasy he had numb too numb to move sex feelings too numb to move; all blank dreamer Satan Candle.
"You can hear me now Wendella. I am you... He is a... They are ... We are... Play is not consistent with our... and policies."
Black red light
White head hurt
Dream
Evil face
Screams
Swimming pool
"Take her up. Her heart rate has stopped."
Ice chest cold. "She has no heart beat." Pounding (reviving me) I don't feel anything.
Death: Memory confused Heavens voices with those on Earth; too little and drugged to know who saying what:
"I love you dada."
Vision being held in arms by circle of glorious angels.
"We bless you to accomplish all that are Heavenly Father has sent you here to accomplish."
"You will have myriads of angels to help you."
"You are as a Rose in Bloom."
"Peace".
"Friendship".
"Knowledge".
"Love."
"Complete Trust in Christ".
"Brother".
"Sister".
"Friends in Combat."
"Accept out gift. As these we shall be one."
"Her mom is outside waiting. Is she well enough to take home?" " Mrs. K., would you please wait a moment? Your daughter had some difficulty today."
Warm blanket all over all of me. Cold, cold can't feel. Warmness, peace. Blue, purple, green. Stars, black, sky. Red, orange, fire, brown.
"The colors of the rainbow will heal you."
Wrapped in blanket. "Give her this medicine and she will be fine. Keep lights off so it won't hurt her eyes." See ya next week."
Close eyes blackness. Warmth. Sunshine. "Boy, she's got a cute ass. How long can we keep her here?" You're the boss, Mr. Goethe (fictitious name). She is all yours until the 20th. Then we start on a new batch. Older, already programmed. You'll miss her but there will be others." It's sad we don't have to kill her. She will be crippled for life. Her right eye will never heal and she will probably walk with a limp. Maybe God will see her through if there is one. We will call her Rosebud. Somehow I think she loves us. Tell her mother not to bring her in for 2 weeks and we will do the final op then."
See me in chair helmet. Colors on wall moving. Voices: "Your drowning- you're drowning, you can't breathe, you can't see. Open your eyes, look - look - and
"The fishes won't eat you!"
"Come to dada", man with gray hair balding was dada, (I believe there were others too I don't know yet there were all dada's to me.) He killed himself and said good-bye.
Feel something stuck up inside roof of mouth can't close mouth, hard to swallow, tongue bothered, dada's hands on right side of face caressing me, “I don't want to scare you . . .do it differently." He took out my right eyeball and placed the probe in underneath. He carefully injected the dye and took out the needle leaving a tube in for draining. He put my eye back in, couldn't see.
"You have a cute nose my dear", (he is touching his finger to my nose) (see blood).
His finger is in me and he is masturbating in his mind... "I love little girls like you." Takes his finger out and licks it. "Time to go back to work."
Pain right eye. Try to talk. Can't. Something covering my mouth. Can see blurry left eye. Blink. Hurt. Can't move. Feel left toe.
Body memory, jumped.
Something inside me (vagina). All black. Don't know if penis or electroshock. He made me bleed from eyes, nose, ear, rectum, and vagina. He likes to see bodies jump. "Give her the... for pain." (A drug) (Dr. talking). "I said good-bye to her today, but she didn't die (as if death was the only kind of good-bye there was). I wonder if she'll remember me. "Bye, pumpkin".
(I could actually taste something just like the taste a drug would leave in your mouth while writing this down on paper for several minutes.)
(Me asking mom); "Where is dada?" "He is gone. We won't see him any more." (Me to mom); "Can I play now?"
Idea: Chemical and neurological brain tracing of electrical stimulations to body under stress.
After this came I lost an old habit of rubbing the back of my neck. It was as if the cause or source of the pain had been released. I know this would sound strange to many, but I had seen it happen to a lady friend while living in Missouri. She was in her fifties and had a terrible bowel disease all her adult life. She had believed that her sister was abused sexually by her father, but never herself. One day I gave her what is called in Sc----ology as a "touch assist". One is awake sitting in a chair, fully dressed, under no duress to be there. The process simply touches one part of the body (usually starting at the toes and going up to the rest of the body touching no private places), by saying, "Feel my finger." and when the person acknowledges this then you say, "Thank You." This process is repeated until the person says something to indicate that they feel better. I had done her toes, feet, legs, and stomach and went to do her back. As soon as I touched her back once she screamed out loud, "No Daddy". I stopped the process and watched my friend totally overwhelmed with grief and pain. She then told me she remembered her father sodomizing her. I ended the process. A couple of months later I went to see her. She told me how she had gotten very ill after the session and had to go to the hospital. It was something to do with her bowels. She was very happy. She said that emotionally she had been able to release all the pain of what her father had inflicted upon her and the sickness was a release of that pain. She said she had never felt better in her life! She looked at least ten years younger and like she had regained a greater sense of self esteem. Happiness was all around her.
This experience, along with my knowledge of herbs and how the body cleanses itself, i.e., when you go to cleanse your system it will become ill with the toxins you are releasing that has been stored within the fat and other cells of the body, and in a short time the illness dissipates and you feel better than you have in a long time. As a parallel way of healing I could see how pain and emotions from traumatic events were stored in the body causing unknown ills and can be released under the right circumstances. Everyone is entirely different in this, but it's very real. So when I lost the habit of rubbing the back of my neck several times each day, I knew the memory was real because I had lost a long time source of pain in remembering it.
Chapter Six: Fear, How To Take Away It's GLORY!
I would like to share with you the hope that we can learn to go forward on our own momentum, and not the momentum of FEAR.
When I first came to the town I am in now, I went to a counseling group of abused women, not ritual abuse, but spousal abuse. The lady helping us first told us that we had to LOVE OURSELVES. I was appalled at this. Then she told us that we SHOULD TAKE FEAR BY THE HAND AND WALK WITH IT AS IF IT WERE OUR FRIEND.
I will now tell you how these things helped me, as I was willing to try to understand them. It took me a year to realize that I was an individual with feelings of my own that had importance. Then I was willing to try to do what she said about fear. I separated out in my mind the fears that I knew I had and each time they appeared in my life, which was almost daily, I would try to not be afraid and see the fear as something that could somehow help me. I know that seems the opposite of what it is, but it worked. After doing this for over 2 years I learned the following principle which I put into an email for some on a chat line.
Here is the email:
Dear XXXXX,
Hi. I haven't posted for awhile. Please forgive yourself for caring. It is wonderful. Ideas: When I was a teenager, not knowing my past, as it was all black, that means no memories, I had to deal with just what was there. I heard three voices constantly in my head that told me I was bad, ugly, and stupid. Being myself I chose to be an intellectual to survive instead of dealing with feelings. In doing this I joined a cult not knowing at the time it was one. Anyway I was lucky enough to take some good out of what I was being taught. They taught that you had to have affinity for things in order to have control over them. So instead of pushing the thoughts away, I decided to like them. I guess I was disassociating in a way and didn't even know it. So when I decided to like these thoughts and this caused them to leave. I never had them again. All the bad things I had done to myself I did because I knew I was bad and ugly and stupid, even after the voices left. When I realized for whatever habit I was trying to change, that that part of me wasn't bad or stupid or ugly and liked myself for it, I instead became in control of that habit or part of me.
What we fear we constantly push into and away from ourselves. That action of pushing away from ourselves is just like gluing ourselves to it. Go stand next to a wall. Put your hands up against the wall just slightly above your shoulders. Now Push. Push Hard! Push Harder! Imagine this is something you FEAR. You are pushing against the fear. It is solid isn't it? You can't move it. It is now controlling you. This wall is now in control. If you can understand this about fear, you can take and change it into love. Take your hands off the wall. The fear or the wall is still there but you are free of it to the degree that you are not glued to it. You can stand there and stare at it forever, or when you are ready, you can turn your head aside and begin to walk away. Your client probably has no safe place. Meaning her inside world in her mind is so dangerous so she escapes to the outside world and there needs to turn to whatever makes it safe, i.e. drugs, sex, etc. For me, I always ran to where it was safest. In my room, to a man, on my knees, or being cold hearted where I didn't have to experience any emotions. In learning how to deal with my fears I bridged a large gap inside myself so it became okay to be inside with my feelings.
Denial vs. Healing
Let me briefly discuss denial. Denial is a normal human function that everyone does every day. In the mental health world it's only addressed in the extreme. When my little boy comes to me and says, "Mommy, I lost my candy bar." and it’s all over his face, you could call it denial or lying. I think that they are closely related. When a grown woman starts recovering memories as horrific as I have had, it’s normal and natural to think that you are crazy. I even attended a 12-week class put out by The National Alliance for Mentally Ill, NAMI, which taught me the difference in a real physical mental illness, real delusions, and paranoia and fear. I learned that I was not crazy, but had phobias and fears instead.
The greatest tool I gained in my journey of healing was this datum: If you really believe that you are crazy...YOUR’RE NOT! Any therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist uses this datum. A person who constantly says that there is nothing wrong with them and has many signs and symptoms they discuss and disclose (I will not try to give examples), has a problem.
On the chat lines many, many, many would say, "I thought I was crazy." In the books I have read written by survivors they would say over and over and over, "I thought I was crazy."
We are NOT crazy. We are extremely traumatized to the degree our bodies created walls of amnesia within our minds at the time the trauma occurred.
In doing my research I found some consistent statistics.
I will not reference these but one can find any proof of anything and I am not writing this book to start arguing with those who disagree with me. This book is for MY healing, not for any one else. It is a very selfish undertaking of which I alone am responsible and PROUD! ! !
One third of trauma victims never remember anything, one third remember partial events and one third remember what I would call everything. The physical mind seems to break down the walls of amnesia sometime after 30 years to 60 years of storing them. It is totally different for each individual. It would be degrading to try to classify scientifically how this works and use this scenario in counseling.
Those who don't want us to remember have tried to do this. They call it false memories. They have created this to try to hide what they are currently doing in human experimentation's and mind control. It is very sad. It hurts deeply to know that our brothers and sisters in humankind can be so evil of their own free will and choice.
(Please see Chapter Eight - Concern For You)
Because of this, and how society for generations has dealt with hiding its own evils, it’s almost impossible to accept one’s own memories without trying to justify them with self-created guilt. In doing this one locks oneself up in a whirlwind of denial trying to find acceptance where none exists. It is a very painful process and one must essentially become ones own counselor, friend, and teacher to survive the healing process.
So, denial for us is simply the natural reaction to life as we have been taught. It is not the denial whereby you are committing crimes and need to repent of them. It is completely opposite.
A child in their minds' eye, as a gift from God, loves their parents unconditionally. In this, if things are unpleasant in their life, they try to change them not knowing what is wrong or how to change it. If this continues throughout their childhood they never gain any self-esteem or self-confidence that they are loved and don't know what real love is. They can reverse the natural knowledge of love gained by being raised with goodly parents; to thinking love is pain and torment. In this they will seek out what they know as love and repeatedly place themselves in situations where they hurt themselves thinking they are being loved. This happened to me. I ran from anyone loving me. I sought pain. I still have this problem today.
In reading a book about how they created multiple personalities with drugs, hypnosis and other forms of trauma, it describes in detail how they would do this. First they would have the child bonded to its parent, whether this was the biological parent didn't matter, it was what the child saw as its parent. At a certain age, I think it was 18 months old, they intentionally reversed this process. They would place the child in situations of great pain. Now the child seeks someone to rescue it. Well the person who is inflicting the pain is the same one to rescue it. This teaches the child that pain is love. It builds a condition of co-dependence and the child never even as an adult feels safe alone. They must always have their rescuer there with them. I can personally attest to that.
A Story:
To describe how this affected me I will tell a little story.
You are sitting in a room. It’s your room. You feel safe there. It’s got everything you need to survive. This room from your view is wonderful. You are loved, fed, played with and you seek nothing.
Then one day this awful thing happens.
Someone comes along and opens a door. A door that you have never seen before.
This door lets in this terrible frightening stuff. It hurts. It causes you great pain. It makes you afraid. It tears you apart. It confuses you. You try to hide but there is nowhere to go. You scream inside for release, but there is none to be found.
What has happened is that the door in your house was opened and Light came in. You had lived without Light all your life and didn't know it, as if you had been blind and someone restored your natural sight.
The pain of this light and the knowledge it brings is greater than any suffering you have ever known in any way. It hurts so bad to even think about the light coming in that you run and try to shut the door and don't even try to learn what it is.
You run and run and run and run and run and run...
Some may never let the light come in or never have anyone to open the door.
Some may kill themselves because it’s so painful.
Some may go insane at its very first glimmer.
It takes great courage and perseverance to allow the light to enter our heart.
If you only let it into your mind, it will kill you as it only means pain.
Only your heart knowing the truth about love and hate, good and bad can let it in, in the right place and at the right time.
It is almost like being reborn.
In looking over my life I have can see how I did this with many people trying to love me.
I thought they were trying to hurt me.
I apologize.
That is all I can do.
Now, love still hurts and pain is still a comfort.
But I am able to begin to see the difference and I seek to learn more.
In others I can see them doing this, as it is with all of us.
**********************
We see in others what we cannot see in ourselves.
To sum up my discussion, denial for a survivor is what we must overcome to heal. Then when the shock comes that we must seek this new light, we have a new form of denial; that we are Beautiful, Intelligent and that WE ARE LOVED...
Group Acceptance and Healing
Dear Wendella,
It certainly fits in with my stuff!
(Response from someone on chat line to my post.)
I read the book called, “Double Vision - A Travelogue of Recovery from Ritual Abuse", by Anna Richardson. In it she describes many different kinds of feelings we have in the situations a cult forces us to be in. One of them is the desire, which is I think a natural desire, to be accepted by the group we are with, especially as a young innocent child. In this desire, if the group causes you and others pain, confusion sets in, and when you desire to feel love and know its wrong to love pain, the child is or becomes lost. Do I love the group I am with and desire to be like them, or do I hate myself? I think this is a conflict I have had for years. No group, good or bad would accept me. I had no clue how to belong. If the good part in you still wanted to be accepted, but you had to deny your own self to be accepted, pain and torture within yourself results. Is that too complicated an explanation? Maybe someone else can make it simpler?
Chapter Seven: Connections
Subject: Re: Inquiry
Date: Tuesday, April 25, 2000 12:53 PM
April 25, 2000
Dear Ms. Lomsdal:
The National Archives and Records Administration-Pacific Alaska Region (Anchorage) do not hold records of the Food and Drug Administration. For information on the Food and Drug Administration's history, you may contact the agency at 301-443-1544. Tell them why you are calling and perhaps they will be able to point you to a history of the agency or connect you to an agency historian.
You might also want to contact the National Archives at College Park (email: www.nara.gov.), to inquire about the records of the Food and Drug Administration in relation to your needs.
Once again, if I can be of further assistance, please contact me.
Archivist
Sent: Tuesday, April 25, 2000 7:55 AM
Subject: Re: Inquiry
April 25, 2000
Dear Ms. K.:
This is in reply to your request for information on your grandfather. For information on your grandfather's Federal employment with the FDA, please write to the National Personnel Records Center, Civilian Branch, 111 Winnebago Street, St. Louis, Missouri 63118-4199. You may telephone them at 314-538-5722. The email address is: center@cpr.nara.gov. Please include all information that you have on your grandfather's service with the FDA, such as dates of employment, social security number (if known) and where in Alaska he served.
If I can be of further assistance please let me know.
Sincerely,
Archivist
>>> "wendella" 04/25/00 02:16AM >>>
Hello. My grandfather was Head of the FDA at the time Alaska became a state. Would you have information on this? Thank you.
His granddaughter,
Wendella K.
Chapter Eight: Recovery
The following will be intermixed memories, journal excerpts, information from the Internet, etc. It's the only way I can take you through this confusing time. Please bear with me.
Emails With Memories Shared With A Friend
Subject: I need your assistance...
Date: April 18, 2000 1:07 PM
Hi. I just found your website via Delphi Forums. I know you are probably busy and don't answer half of your emails, but I would really appreciate your help. I can’t make this too short as it won’t make sense if I do. I am not a phony; everything I tell you is true.
I am 43 years old. I am single raising 7 children from 4 fathers. My mom and step dad and grand parents are dead. I have no living family who really cares about me except my children. I am in recovery from the following:
Eight years ago I lost my 11-month-old daughter to foster care in Missouri. I had chosen a paramour who tried to kill her. I was blamed for it as he passed a lie detector test. After 2 years of doing everything they asked, I got her back and she has been blessed by God not to have any physical scars from her experience. During this time I was forced into counseling. I had chosen years before never to do counseling again as I joined The Church of Sc----ology when I was 19 years old. I was with them 6 years before they kicked me out. I learned of false information in my personal file and they didn't like it. I also asked too many questions. Then I tried to find religious groups to join. I found the XXXXXX church. I was in it for a few years until I asked too many questions there. They kicked me out too. I currently belong to no groups. Anyhow because I was forced into counseling, I decided to make the best of it and listed all of my fears at the time. Well I have never had a counselor label me. I always labeled myself. After all I went through I realized I never had any memory of my childhood. It was always black and I thought that was normal. If that's all you know, that is all you know. So, back to the present. My memories start coming. My fathers’ (Note: I don’t know what this means. I just know it was a father figure in my life) abuse of me and my mom. Because of this I choose angry, controlling men. Abusive. So I am always leaving them and fighting for custody. So that ends. I wanted to join a church again. I gained a testimony of Jesus Christ on my own at home by praying and reading the bible. No one taught me my beliefs when I was in a group. I studied by myself and learned all alone. In this venture to find a group and be accepted, I had to live certain standards of which it was very difficult for me, like chastity. So after 6 months of abstinence in preparation to rejoin a church, I asked on my knees, alone, in my room for Jesus to forgive me of my sins and show me what I needed to repent of. Well, I got 24 hours nonstop SRA (satanic ritual abuse) memories full blown. Scared!!... I never had anyone tell me about anything like this stuff. It has been two years now and memories are still coming. While trying to research things out and see how crazy I was, I realized there was more on mind control than SRA. Well I thought if you have any weird mind control memories come it’s because you want attention and you will make it up. But the things that came aren't anywhere in all my reading. I haven't even heard anyone mention anything like what I remember. I know its true because the body memory that came with it I have been fighting for seven or more years. I don't fight it anymore.
The memory had to do with me as a baby. Yes a baby swimming in a pool with a head set on my right side of my head. They had electro shocked me or drugged me, or both in order to cause and then stop seizures. There is some kind of monitor screen, where they watched what my brain did as they experimented on me there as well. The probes that they put in behind my right eye caused permanent damage. I am just unlocking what I was born with and what I wasn't. In my search for truth this is all I have found. If you can help me I would greatly appreciate it. My only concern is to not too endanger my children because I am searching and asking questions. Usually no one answers my email and I guess they just think I am nuts. I took an accredited course on mental illness and learned that I wasn't crazy. I went there because I thought I was for many years.
I know this about myself and all my family are dead except my mothers’ brother who was in US Geological Survey and retired from it and my brother who is a now retired disabled fireman. Neither of them knows anything about this. I don't dare say anything to them.
My natural mother was in Eastern Star in Anchorage Alaska. I have her pictures and had a Book of Ceremonies before I threw it away. Her father was a Mason for many years. They went from Walla Walla, Washington to Portland, Oregon and then to Anchorage, Alaska in the 1950's. He was promoted to head the FDA there as a loan officer. I have pictures and his service record and his Masonic medals. His wife, my grandmother, was a volunteer for the Air Force Filter in Portland Oregon. According to a newspaper article I have the filter was located in the Masonic Lodge there. I have her pictures and newspaper articles of service awards she received. My natural father was a mailman in the Air Force where I was born at Elmendorf Air Force Base. Somehow when my natural father left the scene my mom, divorced, remarried and had my new dad adopt me all at once. His name is my name on the birth certificate. I just sent off for a copy of my original birth certificate and adoption papers.
I guess I would like to understand the connection from innocent people living there normal lives to the awful stuff in my head. There is a little of everything. Money, SRA, pornography, rituals, electroshock, drugs, murder, even a memory where they initiated me to belong to Satan when I was still a baby. I feel at times like I want to write a best seller and make money but the stuff is too real and then I scare myself. I have lived much.
I finally learned I wasn't stupid about two years ago. My IQ is around 140. I have had paranormal or psychic experiences all my life. It’s normal for me to see better in a spiritual sense than understand real people. I have prayed tirelessly for God to cast out the evil from me and let me hear the Holy Ghost. I am better than I was. I used to have the visitations of angels but as I have gotten stronger I don't see them as much.
I know what you wrote is true. I have seen it in bits in pieces throughout my life and heard much of what you teach. I just haven't figured out yet why no one has come to claim me and take back from me the clarity of my mind I have worked so hard to have since I was a little girl. I grew up rebellious always telling myself; "They will not take my mind..." Until recently I had no clue why I felt that way.
I am not mpd that I know of. I have post traumatic stress disorder but my fear of drugs and doctors has been with me forever and I never take anything but Tylenol if I can't wade myself through it. I even had six children at home with midwives and no painkillers because those fears were so strong from such a young age.
I guess I don't really know how you can help me except to acknowledge my email, tell me that I am not crazy which I already know. I love my kids. They are beautiful. It's a blessing my parents are deceased. I didn't start to really heal until that happened. I hadn't seen my mom in 10 years. My step dad isn't a perp as far as I know and I did get to see him before he died.
Is there anyplace I can find out how my mom was involved with any of this other that what I have? I guess I just want a little bit more evidence. I have known many people who join organizations and are used by them and innocent. I haven't really made the understanding yet of connections between SRA and Masons. I have been told but don't yet understand.
Well, if you choose to respond thanks. Thank you for all your Good Works, In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen Wendella K.
Attempted Suicide
I learned much from this next memory. I learned that my mother had compassion on me, even from before I was born. I knew then that she loved me and I was able to forgive her all that her life caused me to experience. I hope, for you, the reader, the same.
April, 2000
It is 8:30 p.m. and I am sick. I took some alcohol to calm me down. About two hours ago I started to feel very strange. Hot, poisoned. All my kids won't leave me alone. My son is helping. God where are you? A friend called. He is okay but will never be my husband. I love my kids. Help them. Where am I? Called my counselor. I can't call XXXXXX. He doesn't understand. I am scared. Help! Help, help, help, help. Its black and white and I am spinning. I am lost I don't know where I am. They are coming. Voices. All kinds of voices. I can't hear them but it some how faces people, lots coming fast. I can't tell who they are. My head hurts. I don't want to be sick. They gave me something that made me sick. I threw up. They gag me, it's not me, my mom, and they (she) tried to abort me. She is in the hospital now; she tried to commit suicide. She is crying. I am outside her body and its all dark. She is on IV. Black man comes and smiles, "She is ours you know. You can't have her." (Meaning me the baby inside.) "She will come early," he says, “and we will claim her."
The following is an email I sent to someone who kindly was trying to warn me that my memories were induced by over enthusiastic therapists. This is what I wrote:
Concern For You
Hello. I am a mother with several young children at home in my care. I am now 2 years into recovering memories of SRA and possible mind control. I was raised near Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage Alaska from 195X to 196X. If you have any information on any experimentation there in Anchorage, I would be interested in finding out.
Sincerely, Wendella
(Response from person with abuse/survivor website)
Dear Wendella,
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I do not know of any particular activity in that area, or of any reports of such.
When you say you are 2 years into recovering memories of SRA and mind control, I assume you are in some kind of therapy where you discovered that you had this previously unknown history?
Please forgive me for speaking before knowing more of the facts in your case, but in a great many cases I am very leery of such therapy and its findings if you previously had no other reasons to suspect such abuse. There are many tragic stories of women who have been drawn into a sad spiral of belief in more and more sensational and impossible SRA and MC histories, mostly brought on by therapists who see SRA as the root cause of all their patients’ problems (and who may claim to be SRA survivors themselves.)
This can lead to decades of expensive therapy that leaves the patient penniless and no better off than when they started, indeed often much worse off due to the traumatic nature of the therapy and hospitalization involved. Very few of these methods of therapy involve developing skills to handle whatever symptoms or problems are interfering with the patient's normal life. So rather than helping the patient become more self-sufficient, many patients end up in unhealthy, overly dependent relationships with their therapists. Being a recovering SRA victim becomes a way of life.
Again, I hope you do not interpret anything I have said negatively, I just urge you to be cautious and careful. Please write back anytime.
Name of Sender
I agree with this person wholeheartedly. I am trying to end the intensive search I began 7 months ago for answers and allow myself to return to a more normal life. The purpose of writing this book includes putting as much of this horror behind me as I can.
Making yourself a life of being a victim does not bring happiness...
Chapter Nine: Lessons
To: Wendella K.
Wednesday 2:00 p.m. my time
Date: Thursday, April 20, 2000 7:44 AM
Hi Wendella!
WENDELLA: Hi. Thank you for your reply again. Do you know how to contact the authors of the book? I have many questions. If you can answer them it would be great.
Well, prepare yourself for a minor shock. XXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX, who wrote the book(s) is NOT what he lets us believe he is. I have (as you know) been in contact with quite a few survivors and find his books pretty accurate (with some minor errors), so I thought he was okay. Now I know better. He wrote those books to pull in renegade survivors to RE-program them, not DE-program them. He is himself a mind-controlled victim and works knowingly or unknowingly for the Illuminati. I know persons who have been "treated" by him and the stories they tell are horrifying. His name is not XXXXXXXXXX by the way but XXXXXXXXXXXX. He has maybe six or seven aliases (I have proof). The story is long and not so uplifting. XXXX XXXXXXX, the co-author, is currently under re-programming by him in Portland. So I strongly advise people NOT to contact him. I still keep his books on my page, as they contain a lot of good information. I am currently writing an article to expose him for what he is - a con man - but I need more information to prove it all the way out. No doubt however that what I'm saying here is the truth. This is a very complicated world.
WENDELLA: The water torture implies to me that I was more involved that I can almost deal with. I have something happen to me when I read. It started 2 years ago when I was reading out of a book on confronting abuse. At times when I would read a picture would pop up in my mind and it would stay. I thought that I was making up pictures possibly like all the SC----OLOGY stuff. I never remembered any current life memories in all of the OT 7. Only past life stuff. So when the picture would come I didn't look at it as a memory but only as something my mind had made up. But after reading what I did in Chapter one of the book I am not so sure. Here is what happened. When I was around 21 I met and married a man in SC----OLOGY in CA. His name was XXXXX. He was very ill, but in my naiveté thought SC----OLOGY technology could cure him. He was nice I thought. Before we married he took me dancing one night. I don't remember how he got into where we went; just that he knew someone up there. We went to China Lake in CA. We went dancing at the military base. It’s the only time since I left Alaska in 196X I was anywhere near a military installation. While dancing, I had nothing alcoholic to drink, I felt really strange. I became almost orgasmic. But it didn't feel good. As I sat down I remember seeing a picture come into my mind. It is still there as fresh today as it was then. It was a picture of a conveyor belt underground where I was dancing with what appeared to be body parts on it, alive, dead or metallic I don't know. It really freaked me out. I never told anyone. In all my reading this book is the first one to mention China Lake. I have been afraid of it all my life since I went there.
XXX: Yes, China Lake is a BIG place for the Illuminati, where lots of SRA and mind control is going on. It's very ill reputed. Do you think you could have been there before maybe? Repressed memories of abuse and strange rituals? Not uncommon. I know many people, survivors, who told me the same thing you told me above. However, I strongly advise you to be careful when you read the book on my site. It CAN be very triggering and you may feel not so good ... If you feel bad when you read it, please stop. I KNOW how curiosity works. You want to know ... But sometimes it's pretty rough and more than one can handle without help.
WENDELLA: Then in reading more in the book on China Lake other pictures came into my mind. I earlier before I read this had a memory of a prison or cells with old men in them waiting to die. This came a couple of months ago. Last night I saw the babies in my mind. Now did I imagine it or? Then as I kept reading, Bingo another place I have been that is listed, Sheridan, Oregon. It’s not far from Portland where I grew up as a teenager. I joined SC----OLOGY in Portland. Their C/S remember was at De--hi Foundation in S----dan. I went there one day for a tour. They wanted to recruit people to go live and work there. I didn't go. I was at war with the C/S at the time. I was a paid customer and was being treated badly. Then I read about the train stations. I had no idea there was so much so close to me as a teenager. I didn't sleep well last night and have been angry and depressed all day. I think that I have to learn if my grandfather was a 33 degree mason. I am not sure how to do it safely.
XXX: You have lived and been at places where there is a lot of Illuminati, satanic activity - I can see that. And those memories you tell me about ARE memories and not fantasies, I do have to tell you that, as I have heard identical things from others ... And again I advise you not to dig too deep, Wendella. When you feel bad, please stop and try to concentrate on other things. Actually I'm a little ambivalent about the books - if they really serve a good purpose or not. People who have been subjected to stuff mentioned in it are so eager to find out about themselves, but I'm afraid the books trigger things which can be hard to deal with.
I wonder ... when you have the time and when/if you feel like it - can you tell me a bit more about your bad experiences with SC----OLOGY? I am currently investigating them as well, as I consider them to be a very dangerous cult and it is growing rapidly due to their excellent promotion tech, which is directly taken from Goebels and Nazi Germany. About your grandfather ... do you mind if I ask you of his name? I might be able to find out - and maybe not. Don't give it too much hope, but I will certainly do the best I can. I have contacts who can help me if you like.
WENDELLA: How could I find out if my XXXXX who is still alive was involved in any way. I sent him a letter for the first time in 30 years asking about my eye surgery my parents claimed I had at 3 years old. They said they sent me to Portland Oregon from Alaska. I remember the flight and they sent me with a neighbor. I remember the operation sort of. I have called all the hospitals there in the last two weeks and no one has any records of my operation. Got any ideas?
XXX: Maybe ... But first I want to ask: Why did they have to send you to Portland for surgery? There must have been other doctors who could have done the surgery ... Do you know the name of the doctor or the hospital where the surgery was done?
WENDELLA: My XXXXX said in his letter he didn't think we had any genetic defects in our family. I didn't mention genetic defects in my letter to him, but I did ask about medical history. He worked for US Geological Survey. Could he have been involved?
XXX: Yes, could have. I have to know more to be sure ... Have to know more details about the surgery. Has anybody ever told you exactly what was done to your eye? I mean in the surgery. Any details, big or small are valuable ...
WENDELLA: The part about teaching love and then pain is very real to me. I associated pain as love until recently and am still trying to sort it out. Its not easy. Do you know if the XXXXX group has contacted you or read the book on the net?
XXX: No, I don't know.
WENDELLA: It doesn't appear so as they ask to many questions that could be answered by the book. How did the authors survive and not be killed in publishing it?
XXX: See my explanation above on XXXX ...
WENDELLA: Do you know what their real names are if they are different? I am very curious about the information on the XXX group. I have been where the XXX was built. All XXX are built on a XXX. It is imbetween two freeways out in the middle of nowhere. I can’t imagine anyone having a secret facility there. I have been in a XXXX and found no evil there. There is no killing or animosity. I was only there once about 1X years ago. If the XX group is involved, it’s very secret.
Do you think you want me to be a part of what you are trying to do? I know I really said alot but you are the only OT 7 I have talked to in 20 years. Thanks Wendella
XXX: XXXXXX name is her real one, XXXXXX name I gave you in the beginning of the letter. About secret facilities. Many churches and temples have satanic facilities BENEATH the church building. The entrance is often connected to the altar - a hatch on the floor. Sometimes satanic rituals are practiced in the real church building as
well - at night of course and on special magical dates. So it's no wonder it's in the middle of nowhere so to speak. The XXXXXXX church is deeply involved - high up as you say. The XXXXXXX church is pure satanic and 99% of its members has no idea.
Wendella, I am really glad you share this with me. Please be as open as you possibly want. Whatever you say stays between us - always. And if I can help in anyway, I will. I can give you some information on the XXXXXXX group if you want to. Just let me know.
About joining the group. I can't advise you. It's all up to you - how you feel about it. One option is to send a letter to XXXXX or XXXXXX and see what you think. If you don't like it, you can always withdraw from it. No one will ever force you to do anything but what you yourself want.
Love
XXX
Sent: Wednesday, April 19, 2000 8:04 AM
Subject: SV: YES...
Hi Wendella,
Another OT 7 :-). It's a small world sometimes. Well, I agree with you. Everything was not bad with SC----OLOGY - it's the truth which appeals to you and the lies sneak in as we go along and then we're trapped until the day we wake up - many never do.
XXXXX has been subjected to project Montauk - you might have heard about it. The Government's experiments with time travel. And she seems to have got much of the SRA Monarch programming as well. Its interesting to read what she has to say. Montauk is known to researchers, but I have this feeling we have only scratched on its surface. The government is playing with energies they can't even handle...
So sorry to hear about all the pain and struggle in your life. I'm so glad you are as causative as you are anyway. In this way you remind me a lot of XXXXX and XXXXX, another survivor I know extremely well, as I have lived together with her. The two are now working together. You asked me how to keep the project secret ... well, I'm not sure we can. Some of those survivors are monitored via implants and the computers are (as you say) monitored as well. But I don't go into it - I just continue and see what happens. All those people have tried to survive on their own and its time they connect and find out that there actually ARE more people who have been subjected to this, others from themselves. I think it often will be a big relief ... no one feels good fighting alone.
I saw you mentioned both XXXXXXX and XXXXXXXXXX. Yes, both of them are 33rd degree masons and Monarch victims themselves - following orders from the top Illuminati. XXXXX is gathering patriots from all over the country with a false attempt to fight the secret government and overthrow them. What he's actually doing is to gather them together to register them, so the Gov. will have an easy time later, knowing which people to "take care of" later on ... XXXXXX is covertly recruiting people into New Age beliefs and even Catholicism ...
I want to thank you for this letter of yours, and for being so open. It's a long letter and I read it all - carefully. If there is anything specific you want me to comment on or if there is something you want us to discuss, please let me know.
I am also glad you have found faith ... I need to tell you I am not a Christian myself and hope you don't mind. I do believe in God, but not in Christianity ... But please don't feel rejected because of this, to speak your mind about your experiences. I am listening and I am never judging anyone for his/her belief system.
Love
XXX
Another letter ….
Guess what? I am OT 7 too! The SC----OLOGY have never bothered me. My files are at the S-- Org which I joined in 198X I believe. When I read my personnel file they had accused me of having relations with the 10-year-old boy I found to watch my baby boy XXXXX who at the time was around 2 years old. If I ever got brave and smart enough and could prove things I could sue them. I had two abortions I haven't forgiven myself for because when I went to join them they told me I couldn't have any children. There was also emotional and physical abuse in Portland Oregon where I joined and in Florida and California. I met XXXXX's father in SC----OLOGY. He is no longer active but still believes in it. He lives nearby and is a nice friend. I saw H---r J---z on Ophra a few years ago and he looked terrible. The questions they asked him and his answers showed me how much respect for himself and intelligence he had lost since I worked as a volunteer underneath him in the late 19X0's. He wouldn't remember me as I worked under another man under him. I learned how to do research then. I went to the local library in Hollywood California and sought out names and associations through magazines and then put the information on file. I learned about how the CIA was spreading rumors about the org via the media internationally. I was also there standing on my balcony from my hotel room the day the FBI came with their rifles or shotguns hanging across their shoulders to take file cabinets. I actually expected to see my picture in the newspapers because I was on the balcony that was closest to the front door of where they were entering. I may be. I never pursued looking at all the published pictures. I learned then, it was around 197X that our government was corrupt. The only good things I keep from SC----OLOGY are the communication skills I learned and the study skills. Everything else I let go of.
New subject..... Well where do I start. XXXXX is learning similar things as to Deepak Chopra. He has a video in our local library about quantum physics and how you can heal yourself with it. I never paid for anything else because I always see money become the issue along with glory for self and power. I still get mail from them but never buy anything. I believe all knowledge that is good comes from Heaven. Whether it is educational or revealing. None of my associates here believe that when I prayed Heavenly Father would never reveal terrible memories to me. But I am more calm and self-productive and stable than I ever believed possible. I know more memories will come. It’s hard as I have to keep and maintain a normal life style for my kids and I guess the order of it helps me. I have the 7 kids and their friends, 6 of them are in school but its four different schools with homework and meetings with teachers etc. It takes a lot of time, but that's okay.
I have tried to start writing my own experiences. Each time I would just list out the memories and then go to write it later. I found myself on the net searching for answers. I have printed out 9 notebooks one to two inches thick of articles, books and documents mostly on mind control. I have almost finished reading John Mark's book on, "The Search for the Manchurian Candidate." I have found that for myself knowledge brings Peace and Contentment. Learning helps me to heal. For many its makes it worse. XXXXX must be the same way. I have many memories I haven't written out yet. I get so wrapped up in learning and living life even when I spend 8 or more hours reading and writing I can't get enough done. I was going to catalogue all the info on a database re: mind control and make it like a research file where you can punch in a name or place or date or group and get a list of everything related. There is so much...... Every day on the chat line another doctor or place is listed as people remember. I may still do this. I know from observing chat lines that there are multitudes of people trying to heal with no one to talk to and not any foundational information on how to heal. Each chat line seems to gather people in the same area of healing. Some are all spinning, trying to stop. XXXX is trying to find connections to her past about genetics. Her uncle is a professor as this is what she wrote one day. On XXX they didn't like my questions even though I tried to follow their guidelines closely. I guess its just like the statistics of who remembers, 1/3 this and 1/3 that. Everyone has their own level of confront, SC----OLOGY remember, and they can only deal with so much at once. It would take a lot of effort to create a safe place where anyone could go and glean just that which they needed at the time. It would almost have to be like a maze and as you healed you chose on your own to go to the next place. Knowledge has never scared me, only people who hide secrets do and they were clever and always made friends with me first.
It’s surprising to me that no one ever referred me to your web site; yet I can answer my own comment by what I just said. The ones who are healing and still afraid of fear may be the ones who would come against someone the most or with the most force to stop them. As I recover and learn how my mom was used and forgive her and love her and feel great joy.
So, I hope you can follow me; if lets say we had a new member come in and they weren't really ready to deal with what was happening they would become a greater threat or hindrance as our healing brings them pain they cant deal with. My counselor wants me badly to join a local group here of four people. The Holy Ghost has restrained me repeatedly warning me not to go. There is someone there who with my presence and what I would say would somehow hurt us all. So I don't go. I believe you may already know this. Use your testimony to discern and listen to who can deal with things and who can’t.
Different subject: All my life people tell me I talk to fast and change subjects on them when I am just relating one subject in my mind to another. I love it. They get confused!
I married a man 1X years ago who joined the XXXXX church via his brothers influence. His brother joined via the John Birch Society. I was taught all about Constitutional Issues for 10 years. I learned about the original forefathers intentions and how legal and lawful are different. I learned about common law versus equity law and statutory law. I learned how the Communist Manifesto was actually in place and most US citizens are raised not knowing what Sovereignty is or what rights actually mean. I have a 60 cassette course from G----e G---on that no one will listen too. They are so afraid of taxes and police etc., they just act like trapped sheep!
I have lived with nothing. I lived in a log cabin that was 100 years old. We heated with wood and cooked on a wood cook stove. I ground wheat and learned how to make bread. I hung up clothes on clothes hangers in my living room to dry. I at one time was stuck at home for 5 months straight as I had no phone or car and no friends. Prior to that in Washington State I lived in a bus, a converted school bus and gave birth there to my daughter XXXXXX with the help of a midwife. Later in Missouri I fought the local authorities for the right to have my other daughter brought home for two years and won. My recent ex-husband brought all those records here locally in an attempt to take his daughter away from me. He was the father to my 5th daughter. He lost. He is not mentally sound. He had a sad life. When I came here from Missouri I got on government assistance so I could start over. I went from rags to riches doing that. I could write 20 books and not even touch mind control. Sorry it’s so confusing. Its hard to summarize so much.
I read about ELF and HAARP, I heard about that 5 years ago in Missouri. Lots of people who are called Patriots know much. They like to communicate by short wave radios and HAM sets so they feel they can talk freely. They all believe that it’s safe that way but no one really ever does anything. XXXXX became a favorite hero in Utah but I saw his name on Newsmakers.com. Maybe he is not a good guy either. With all that you know and I am still learning more of, how do you know who to trust? That has always been my biggest weakness. When I trust myself I failed. When I trusted my family I failed. When I tried to trust groups I failed. Jesus Christ’ sincerely with all do respect to Him and what he represents’ never failed me. I could write a book just about my experiences with him. Few would believe it, but it would be true.
New subject:
Very few people ever do this. Yesterday I read somewhere maybe it was Newsmakers about Billy Graham. When I was 1X in Portland, Oregon my neighbors took me to see him . I never met him face to face but I heard his speaking. The crowd became what I would call ‘euphoric’. They went nuts with a feeling they called ‘joy’ over their new found salvation. I was taken with many others to see individuals privately to accept Jesus as my personal savior. I will never forget the experience. I was smiling I guess because everyone else was. As I walked up to this person, I think it was a lady, she said something like this: "Look at you. You're so happy. I can see from the look on your face that you have accepted Jesus Christ. That is wonderful !!" She gave me a smile and some pamphlets and let me pass. I will always remember how dumb I thought she was and it taught me how naive they were. They weren't much better off than robots.
I feel to include here how I did find Jesus. I was pregnant with my second child with my new boyfriend who had asked me to have his child and said he would marry me. We were in Salt Lake City at the time working. I told him one day I believed in SC----OLOGY as then I had just left a few months prior.
Note when I left it was awful. No one since then have I met who might understand this. Sorry. Here I go. I took my son, still about 2 years old and called my mom. I didn't want to go home. A few years prior I knew she almost hired deprogrammers to get me out of SC----OLOGY. I wasn't aware then what I know now. I didn't want to go home. I had become a S-- Org member. They leave you trapped because all your time is theirs and there is no money. You have to earn on a graph points system any money you get. Even if its money for gas to go to work for them. It was bad. So when she said she would pay my way home, airfare, I never went back. I had to agree. I got my son and some few belongings. We lived in a hotel just for SC----OLOGY's, and drove to the airport. I was so scared to leave and become labeled a suppressive person. I went past the exit two times before I could concentrate enough to find it. I left my car and all possessions I couldn't take at the airport. When I got home I was so scared of people I stayed with my mom for 3 months and never went anywhere. The only thing I had left was my son and a bible my grandmother had left me. That was like a sign to me. This bible must mean something so I started to read it. It is very hard for me to work in groups of people. I must disassociate somehow to do it as I do now when I have to work.
Soon after this, my baby’s father at the time dad moved to Oregon and I lived with him as a friend until I met this man who took me to Utah; I would go anywhere and follow anyone. I am better now but If you are a bad person in disguise I will be yours until the pain gets so great I have to leave. The natural protection abilities a child is born with have been taken from me. It is called common sense. I may never have it. The teachings of SC----OLOGY were actually a blessing for me at the time and later. It started to teach me about human nature which I knew nothing of. Anyhow, that's how I left SC----OLOGY.
So, I am in Utah and my to-be husband tells me if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my Savior he will kick me and my son out on the street. I am pregnant by him remember. Well, I went downstairs and sat on the edge of a bed and with all my heart said, "Jesus if you are real, would you please love me?" Well, he heard my prayer and little by little my life has gotten better. That was 17 years ago.
In the last 3 years I have learned to take my fears that I am aware of by the hand and make them my friends. It gives you back control. Its like this. I have shared this with a few people and I believe its true. You might already know this by your own experiences. Here is an exercise to teach you how it works. Okay. Stand up. Walk over to a wall and put your hands on it up above your head. Now push. The wall actually has control over you as long as you are pushing on it. If the wall was to represent a fear as you resist the fear it takes control over you. By this process I have healed myself. When ever I see another really resisting something that I think this might help I teach them. It seems to work. If I really fear the govt. coming and taking me, that fear creates a tension where by I could actually have a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby it happens. (In my case I am so naive that they could be watching me now and not be afraid and me still not know it!) Whenever I have a memory coming I can feel it. When I sit down and write I am in control of the memory and then after it comes and I deal with the emotions I am better. Its hard though as my time is to limited. Yet I am doing okay.
New subject: I guess you can tell I haven't had anyone to really listen for years. I am usually to up front and ask too many questions. I will probably turn you off too........(smile). I tried to work in a factory and I had 4 people tell me how to do the same thing in 3 days. So I went to the sup each time. Well when they laid me off they said I didn't have the skills to work there. Again, even when I am silent in my mind I always ask too many questions. It took me years to learn that people would tell me asking questions is what they want, but that they really didn't.
You may ask me any questions you want about anything. Privacy doesn't exist in my life. Here goes some more personal history. My mother interfered and involved my brother to take custody of my daughter (my oldest one) away from me. I have since forgiven my brother and the father. In that instance the father used a personal letter I had written to my daughter aged 4 years in court records to show I had given him custody voluntarily. The letter expressed all my personal hopes and desires for her life. It is now a public document. Latter I wrote letters to my then husband to his brother in Washington State. These letters were very emotional asking for help as my husband, his brother, was very ill and wouldn't go get any medical help. These letters were taken by his brother to Church authorities, read and then sent from Wash. to Mo. where we lived. The authorities read them there also and sent them back. I finally got them and burned them. Because of the letters my husbands family so gravely misunderstood them, they thought I was trying to kill him when I was trying to save his life. After 2 years of my ex going and living with his family in Washington. They finally realized that I had spoken the truth but in the meantime I was an outcast as usual.
Then again just last month personal entries from my diary while I was married to my last husband (#6) were admitted in court as evidence that I am crazy. He stole them when we were getting along to beat all! Also as I mentioned before all my previous court records from Missouri were brought here and are now on file. My only escape has been my honesty and innocence. I guess my fruits of happy, healthy children saved me.
So to sum this up, if others say ‘Boo’ about me I am now used to it. I have had 1, 2, 3, 4 counselors here locally all treat me telling me how intelligent and wonderful I am. Some were Ph D's and all are respected members of the community. It has become a protection for me to be involved with them. For me and my kids.
New subject:
For myself for 10 years I have wanted to write my life's story. I can’t keep up with it though. Writing is easy for me as you can tell. I still want to find a link between my mom and intelligence agencies. Just one. I heard about the Illuminati years ago. Never believed that they would ever have anything to do with my life. I have always had a great desire to help people. It takes lots of knowledge to do so. I have enough now to begin. Exposing what is happening is a goal of mine. I don't know how to help. I don't know what danger I would put myself in or my kids. I really don't know. I know there is SRA groups locally, but in this town no one talks about such things. I know someone who could really use my help but she is related to my landlord. If I help her I threaten my own self existence. So I wait. The counselors here in this valley treat SRA as "real but phony". I know this from first hand experience. It takes a lot of courage to accept the truth. I am good at researching information. I don't know what I could learn that you haven't already. You saved me allot of time. Thanks. I have checked out currently from XXX State University which is one mile from my home the following book: “The Nature of Hypnosis Selected Basic Readings,” edited by SHOR and ORNE. It is copyrighted 1965. I checked it out to learn what they believed and teach myself that way. Another book I copied is “Hypnotically Refreshed Testimony: Enhanced Memory or Tampering With Evidence”, National Institute of Justice Issues and Practices U.S. Department of Justice National Institute of Justice Office of Development, Testing and Dissemination. Library call numbers J 28.23 T 28 1985 I haven't even had time to read it. It lists in it:
About the authors.
Dr. Martin T. Orne has worked in the field of hypnosis for over thirty-five years, with special expertise on hypnotically induced testimony. Well my daughter got home and this went because I pushed the wrong button... so when I finish delete the first message. I don't know how to clip things yet. Sorry.
Testimony and its use in the criminal justice system. ..... It goes on to expound on his life. In this book which is about 50 pages long. In it are several court cases referenced where they used hypnotically retrieved memories in court and there attempts to make this legal. I found this while waiting for my daughter to do research on her school subject.
I don't know how much info you have or what you are looking for.
Well, I hope you will understand my long communiqué is normal for me when I feel accepted. Its not often I feel that way. Kind of like a little kid who finally gets to go to the Circus and has waited all year.
I don't know what plans you have for your group. How do you stay secret? There is a lady who calls herself XXXXXXXXX who says she was a CIA Black Ops Monarch survivor. She has an email address and seeks help for people to believe her. She claims she is followed, harassed physically and by electronically means. She claims they have interrupted her Internet service several times. I read in our local newspaper how Microsoft had a backdoor password put into Windows 98 where they could come into your computer and read it all. I have windows 95 updated but not 98. I have no idea who or what can listen to my phone conversations or here electronically or how they would read my email and what they would do if they did. I know keeping quiet about things is good, secrets cause people to do things out of fear which is bad. I guess I don't know how to keep it secret especially from the groups we would try too.
I included the book info in case you want it. I have a scanner and could with help from my son send it to you that way or copy it and send it in the mail, if the mail to you is safe. One day XXXXXXXXXX was complaining on her chat line that they had stolen some books via the mail system, i.e. post office, she had sent to therapists who were going to be at the SRA conference she would be attending. The receivers never got the books. I suggested to her to make up the same boxes but filled with popcorn or something and send it and let them (people interrupting the mail could receive the popcorn and not her books.) eat! She got angry and said I shouldn't play with them. That's my whole point in being a part of your group, I am so naive I am not really afraid. I would make a similar package even put bricks in it so it would weigh the same and send it to the therapists telling them what I was going to do and see what happens. If you don't fight back you never win. Every time on any chat line I suggest any form of fighting back they kick me off. It usually takes a week or less. I haven't suggested any form of fighting back yet on the XXXX forum so I am still on.
Well, my daughter needs a ride to her dance class.
Forgive me my loneliness. It has been great. I won’t always write so much but I can write. Communication has saved my life. I hope you can make some sense out of my life's summary so chopped up. I love you for your heart ....
Love and God Bless
Wendella K.
Dear Wendella,
First of all I want to tell you that nothing of what you wrote came to me as something new or "unbelievable" or anything. I am in contact with quite a few people who have gone through the similar experiences as you have, so there is nothing unbelievable at all about your story. And I guarantee you, you are NOT insane. Your memories are true memories which have started to surface ... This often happens when the abuser(s) dies. The hypnotic tie between the abused and the abuser disappears and the abused person starts remembering ... There can of course also be other reasons for sudden memories to pop up.
Both Freemasonry and the Eastern Star are satanic organizations, but as you say, most people involved don't know this and think it's charity, good morals and interesting. Only the 33rd Degree Freemason knows that the Order is pure satanic. Same with the Eastern Star ... always the upper echelon that knows.
I'm so glad you have your children in a situation like this. It would be abominable to be totally alone, although I guess you feel quite lonely anyway. I'm also glad you don't consider yourself an MPD. And the way you write doesn't indicate MPD at all. People who suffer from real Multiple Personality Disorder write differently and are very confused. I am in contact with survivors from both MPD and those who don't have it. The common thing among all survivors is SRA.
By the way, I was a member of the Church of Sc----ology in the late XXs as well, so you and I have that in common. I too asked too many questions, which they didn't want to answer :-). I am an OT7, so they didn't just kick me out, as they always are afraid people will go public with what they know. So I just left and am not bothered by them anymore - another satanic organization of course ...
Recently victims from SRA were compensated in Canada - 7 million dollars. Not much, but an acknowledgment that the government knows what is going on and the survivors are acknowledged they are NOT insane. They have paper on that.
Wendella, if you have any questions, comments or if you only need to talk - don't hesitate to write. I am very happy if you do. I'm working hard to try and handle this situation with SRA and MPD. Not many people are interested to help. They think it's too complicated - so even the therapists. But I will not give up until all this is totally known among common man and there is a stop to it! This is so
inhumane that people have a very hard time believing it.
All my best wishes, XXXXXXX
Subject: SV: Hi.
Date: Friday, April 21, 2000 10:14 AM
Hi Wendella,
I have deleted some parts of your original letter and kept it elsewhere. The deleted parts are the ones I need to look into for to try and give you the best answers I can. But instead of waiting with answering the rest of the letter too, I have replied on the stuff I could comment on instantly. Hope you don't mind. The rest I will come back to you with as soon as I have been able to look into it.
WENDELLA: Wow! I stumbled on how to reply to you without having to attach all the previous stuff. I save it in my computer so I have it later but don't know how to inter-space things. I have allot to say again. First thank you for being there. I guess because of my trauma all through life if I don't receive immediate acceptance I believe I am rejected. It happens automatically and its hard for me to see past it. Forgive me if I ever assume you haven’t accepted me.
XXX: Don't worry Wendella. This "acceptance" thing is nothing unfamiliar to me. You share that with all those people who have been subjected to these kinds of things. I don't mind at all if you write me and say I don't accept you. Under your circumstances I don't find this very strange. It must be real hard to trust anyone after have been betrayed most of your life. I have patience :-). I'll be here and you can communicate anything with me - I will never take offense or suddenly stop writing etc.
WENDELLA: No one but my belief In Christ has kept me alive. Just so you know suicide has never been a part of my life. It disgusts me. In my SRA memory Christ himself comes to free me. Real or not it helps me. I will answer all of your questions.
Today I called XXX in British Columbia on a 1 800 number to order the book as I wanted the bibliography and lists of sites. We talked. He said he knows XXX and was very friendly. He also recommended the book, “The Transformation of America.” He said he knew them personally and that they had 100,000 pieces of documentation. Now after reading your note about XXX and connecting the two if you believe what the book says that documentation is hard to find how can they have so much and it be real unless they are a plant. They have been allowed to testify in court. Maybe they are plants too to pull in people. He gave me XXXX email but didn't have one for XXX.
XXX: Yes, XXX is playing double, that's for sure and I am strongly suspecting XXXXXX is too. I have quite some info on him too and it seems to be a similar situation XXXXX . But I will start looking into XXXXX after I'm done with XXXXX XXXX works like this when survivors come to him: he asks questions about your case so he knows your trigger words, then he pushes the buttons to restimulate you and reprogram you. XXXXX is currently no more than a zombie due to witnesses who managed to escape.
WENDELLA: Here is what I know about my eye surgery. I was living in Alaska. My mom had probably just divorced my natural father and remarried my dad . She told me I was sent to Portland because I talked too much and they wanted my brother who was younger than me to learn to talk. Because of the incident I explained prior of falling off of a chair my eyes permanently crossed and the right eye was into looking at my nose all the time. I was sent to Portland with a neighbor. I remember the air flight because a lighting bolt came and struck the little trap door above me and it scared me. New thought: I know that I was on airplanes allot as a child but now that I think of it there wasn’t any other time I can logically recall for going anywhere. So where did I get the relaxed feeling of traveling on an airplane? I have no other conscious memory of traveling on an airplane with my parents or anyone else even until I went as a grown up...... So where did I get the feeling I have had all my life that airplane travel I did allot as a child ? I am telling you the truth. I have told lots of people I traveled allot and now realize it doesn’t make sense. Okay, lets go on. My surgery. I remember, its in a dream or something like it; being on a hospital stretcher going down the hall and seeing:
I have the thought to tell you about a dream I had allot as a child. I am in bed in my bottom bunk bed which I had a room all to myself and my mom comes and gives me a shot to make me tell the truth and she turns into an Indian with headdress on during the time she gives me the shot. End of dream.
The lights above me like a mirror. The walls are white. That's all I remember. My mom told me I was sent to Portland. In the last 3 weeks I have contacted by phone all of the following hospitals and none have any record of me being there under any name I could think of. Good Samaritan, Providence, Emanuel, Oregon Health Science University, Schriners, and the VA hospital. Almost everyone has been really kind. I sent a written request for records to OHSU and they will look deeper. I have no memory of every arriving at Portland and staying with my grandparents there, I think. I have a request currently into the National Records Archive Center in St. Louis for my medical records from Elmendorf Air Force Base where I was born. I haven’t heard back yet and my records could have been destroyed along with others in a fire that was in 1973, yet my grandfathers records would have maybe been in that same section according to the information I was given and his weren’t destroyed. So I am lost. I wanted to find out exactly what surgery they did. I was told that they shortened the muscle in my right eye.
XXXX: Thanks Wendella. This is often very complicated ... there are real memories, implanted memories, lies and cover-ups when it comes to such things as these. Could be one of many things. Maybe you were never sent to Portland, or if you were and you really stayed in a hospital there I'm not surprised there are no records. Well, it depends on what the surgery was really about. If the masons were involved in a way that is unknown to you, there will be no records ... Eyes (or eye) looking in towards the nose can also be a sign of child sex abuse. When I read your former letter another thought came to mind. People subjected to SRA are very often implanted with microchips. My thought was if the surgery was basically about that. That they put a chip behind your eye. I only list several options here for you to look at if it's of any help. It's impossible to say which one is the right one .. Only way to know is to try and pull strings and see what's on the other end - if possible.
WENDELLA: Next subject: I joined SC----OLOGY at Portland in 197X. I was introduced there by XXXXXX who is a story in itself that's horrifying. 15 years later I went back to Portland and looked him up and he tried to kill and almost succeeded in killing my daughter XXXXX at 11 months old. XXXX was chaste when we met 15 years earlier. I sought him out. He is very sick. Whether he has real schizophrenia or it is from mind control, I don't know. I believe he killed his sister in Missouri from awful things he told me. He told me how she had died and he saw her on the sidewalk dead as if she had been hit by a car. When I found out XXXX had lied to me about everything else he had told me, like he was a murderer, etc. I called the Missouri police and they told me his sister had been chopped up into pieces and they never found all of her. When I was with XXXX the second time he hurt my daughter. He was real weird about washing his hands and blood. I am very lucky I escaped. He was never prosecuted for what he did to my daughter. He had a lawyer friend; never heard his name and XXXXX took a lie detector test and passed. They never let me take one. Back to story. XXXXX told me I could see 360 degrees around and leave my body. That got my curiosity up and I went and took the communications course. To make 6 years short will not be easy. I borrowed $XX,000, yes, dollars from a man I never had to pay back ( I wish I could pay his family back as now I know it was wrong. I was 19 at the time and never gave him sexual favors which he wanted.) Anyhow I was a public pre-clear. I went all the way up to; can’t remember the name on the bridge, and then went to Hollywood Ca to finish to OT 7. At Portland an auditor wouldn't let me out of session. I had already learned somehow to tell them what they wanted to hear. He blocked the door and wouldn’t let me leave. I had ep'd on the process and was fn’ing but he wouldn’t listen. So I had to leave my body and ignore myself and let him be in control and do the process all over again. I had taught myself how to get and fn when I was out of my body and under duress. I guess I know how to disassociate at will. When I learned to stop fighting people who won’t listen to the truth, I regain control by doing what they want until I am free. It usually works. He finally let me leave and in the process I remember a bruise on my face. I then had to go to a group meeting and tell everyone how wonderful it all was. I tried to fight the C/S at Delphi but no one would listen. They finally said I was done and got permission to go to California I remember the registrar trying to get more money out of me. I and my friend had no more to give. In California I was treated like royalty until my money ran out. I wanted so badly to be a part of the group I joined. When I read Staff Status I and 2, I actually tried to do what they taught. In my writing up reports on people who didn’t do their work no one liked me. I was ostracized and didn’t know it. I went to Florida later and worked. I had an abortion in Portland, went to Florida. Left to Tustin, California; met XXXXX, XXXX father and then went and married another guy.
Divorced him. I was a mess. In Florida they wouldn’t let me bring XXXX. I got real emotionally sick. They had their own people called Medical Officers. You had to go to them and they had to decide if you were sick. I was. I don’t know; couldn’t eat; couldn’t sleep. They made me stay in a special room near his office. He was not a medical doctor. You have no money; no means to contact the outside world. You are totally dependent on them. You are terrified to leave and then you can’t anyway. I stayed there a couple of days and listened and watched, as no one would hear what I had to say. I saw how they ignored everyone else's complaints. I guess I had learned how to disassociate again as I decided this wouldn’t work and got better almost instantaneously. I had a very heavy feeling and couldn’t hardly move. I had no food either given to me that I remember or offered. You either had to decide you weren’t sick or ??? Anyhow, I got “well” enough to decide to leave the organization and went back to my post. In Florida I was a waitress in the restaurant for a while. Then I guess I was so naive they trusted me as they made me in charge of their rebate program. They started to give back to completed public paying clients a percentage of what they had been charged. I wrote the checks. I laugh at myself because If I had had the courage and wasn’t so damn honest I could have stolen any amount of money I wanted. I was so afraid of everybody I never even considered it until years later after I had left. My work was so demanding as people wanted their money I tried to work nights while everyone else slept and sleep days. I don’t remember how long I was at that post. It was in Clearwater Florida. I think I was only there a total of 6 months. In my efforts to get away I asked to be transferred to Hollywood CA. It took allot of effort. I became obnoxious until they let me go. I wrote around $XX,000.00 worth of checks a week. This is true. They knew they had a succor on their hands didn’t they! I have had no one since I left to tell anything too. Forgive me. You will probably never get emails this long from anyone else. I got me and my son to California again. (Portland, Hollywood , Florida, Hollywood then left home to Portland.) Okay in Hollywood the second time my boss was a woman who hated me. I could do nothing right. I also worked in Tustin Ca. where I met XXXX dad that would have been where I was; (I am confused, I will think about it later.) I lived in a hotel for SC----OLOGY and had my own car. I was never really given a job there. I don’t remember my post. They were mean to me the whole time I was there. In there training when you are recruited for the S-- Org they teach you how to confront MEST; that stands for Matter, Energy, Space and Time. I think this was in California but also in Florida. You are taught to work. I painted walls and spackled them. The idiot who was my boss had never done it. I had done it with my dad in Portland and tried to help him do it better. I was written up. I was punished. You had x number of hours you had to do this and pass some qualifications to get onto a post. This guy was bad. Later I found out he had been written up several times and no one ever did anything.
There is a whole structure in SC----OLOGY staff organization. I know it. I will explain it latter. Its written up in about 10 volumes of data like a set of encyclopedias. It would take allot to teach you everything. I get in trouble for asking questions. I also wanted my free 2.5 hours a week of counseling you are supposed to get. No go. I am now working down underneath the hospital complex they bought cleaning out gutters with dirty water in them and cockroaches, this was in Hollywood the last time I was in SC----OLOGY, I had to clean underneath a dish washing unit in a kitchen full of cockroaches. I am not afraid of cockroaches anymore. I got lice from the hotel. Never had it since I left. I don’t know how long I did this. My memory was very stressed. One day I was so bad I had what I call a body ache. If you have ever had a migraine let me explain a body ache. In a migraine your head hurts BAAD. In a body ache your whole being, aura and all, hurts like a migraine. It was so bad I stayed in bed and couldn’t move for 3 days. My boss angrily brought XXXX to me from their daycare and bitched that I hadn’t gotten him or come to work. She didn’t care if I lived or died. Another scientologist there befriended me and helped me escape. I got rid of body aches by walking. This one I will never forget. I couldn’t move. My whole being was paralyzed. If I knew I could sue them and not loose my kids I would sue them 100 million dollars....... including paying back the family who's money I borrowed.
I will answer specific questions but don’t expect the answers to be short.....
XXX: Thank you! Yes, this is similar to my own experiences. I was never a S-- Org member but I saw the abuse ... Will tell you more in a personal letter about ME.
WENDELLA: Comment: You know something my friend, they could have tried to make me a multiple and somehow I escaped it. I have survived so much I think I could survive anything........................
XXX: Sc----ology creates multiples, that's for sure ...
WENDELLA: Well If you can handle all my talking your wonderful. There is a lot of evil out there. I don't know if I can do anything that will help or not.
XX: Of course! I asked for it, didn't I? LOL. And don't worry about how to help etc. Let's just communicate for now.
WENDELLA: Helping others keeps me happy. I would like to join your group just be sure I will be an asset and not a hindrance.
XXX: Well, in a group like this people are both assets and hindrance from day to day. One of the purposes is to heal a bit with time, by meeting up with people who have had similar experiences. Create a closeness to others - something that is difficult for many who have been abused. But everybody has their bad days and good days - very much so ... more than people who have not been abused of course. But that's all right. No one will blame anyone for that.
WENDELLA: I will try to check my email Saturday or Sunday. I have to start working again. I don't want to. My unemployment runs out. I wish I could find a way to get paid to write and do research. But I haven’t a clue how to do It.
XXX: Yes!!!! Tell me about it :-). I wish I could find a way too. That would be a dream come true!!!!
Thanks.....
Love Wendella
No problem. Thanks to you too :-)
Love
XXX
Chapter Ten: What Am I ?
Aliens ??
Subject: Re: New memory
Date: Sunday, May Memorial day weekend. Hi. I just came back from church and had much come into my mind and desire to share it with you. I haven't had time to look for your reply to my last communication.
I kept thinking and here is what came. I am nervous and can't type too well. Please read through the errors that I don't correct. Australia, HAARP, aliens, electricity, communications between races, me, taught to do so:
Ideas that came to mind: That I was taught how to communicate with these aliens as a baby and that that is my secret. I cant find anything but peace surrounding the events with the aliens. I see myself being touched all over by them. I can feel their curiosity and their kind of love. We as humans can't give that kind of love, we are not that simple minded. I can see myself putting my hands, my little fingers, on their foreheads communicating with them. Feeling all that they feel. It’s wonderful. I also see lines of them being taken into a place they know not will take their lives. They didn't know they would be killed. It was all in the same place or room. I see the same triangle in my head. The point that goes through from the top of my head on the right side through the back of my right eye to straight down into the back of my head. This somehow affected me. I have been wondering about the orange lighted things with wires. I don't know if this was an incident or something permanent. They don’t understand eternal life or death. They were so willing to give to be apart of the human race. The idea comes to mind that somehow the places where they could come stay had to have special electrical functions to survive like their biological systems were dependent on electricity for food. In what I have learned everything we receive into our bodies is refined into an electrical impulse i.e., light, sound, color, food, water, love, etc. All is converted to keep us alive. With the way their bodies function something that only HAARP could give is necessary for this. (Just guessing remember.) Maybe in Australia is the place or used to be where there is the largest colony of them provided by the govt. and peoples dealing with them. I have never read anything about this anywhere. I read on your web site the testimony of the man who was strangled with the piano wire and about the aliens underground and the fight. That was the only thing I read before this memory or idea came. Maybe as the human race is obsessed with knowledge and power we promised them something in exchange for their light wave and motion technologies and of course betrayed them, then and now and in their innocence continue to give. I feel in my heart if I met a young one I could communicate with them and know what they are saying and maybe be able to translate it. I don't even feel crazy inside saying this. I could almost say that they feel like family to me. I see in my minds eye another race of aliens very different yet related to the first. They are pure evil. It's like 2 races totally opposite from one another and the innocent don't know they are being controlled. The evil ones look black to me and I can see them in the physical world I can see the difference but I believe that only someone like myself could. That it is from the heart that one distinguishes this. They would look no different from the innocent except to someone like me. Maybe they thought I needed an implant to communicate but I don't think I did or do. Its a natural thing for me. I have always been able to communicate with little babies very well and not very well with older people. The aliens communication is on a similar wave length or perception as babies. From looking over your web site I realized that anything imaginable could be real and with this realization I guess and trusting you not to be a deprogrammer or spy, I tell you these things. I trust you will not tell anyone.
I was able to listen to Kip Thorne, an internationally known physicist yesterday. He is from my town I live in and came to speak at the University graduation. I was able to briefly meet him later and asked for a copy of his speech. You would love it. He is warning the next generations about cloning, genetic restructuring, war etc. It was marvelous. He said that if we were careful we could protect ourselves from Hitler's purge, the attitude of, "Volk". A word I saw in Nazi literature about their spiritual beliefs that they should protect their heritage by purging out all imperfections within themselves and others. It’s a perversion of what is in the old testament in the bible about only marrying within your own tribe.
After I saw the lady who read the information in my hand about my life my body has been acknowledging all my lives pain. It's not easy. My back hurts all the time and I am not peaceful. I keep getting somatics of sensation in my head and they come and go. It will subside in a few days and then I am going to get a friend to give me a chiropractic adjustment.
New idea: If I wanted to really trust all my abilities I could look in my mind and on a map and see where the aliens, I have a better word for them in my mind but its not English it means friend, where the aliens live here and other places. Now you know I am crazy. I don't think they have what we call memory. The good ones don't. They can learn, but don't remember bad things. The evil aliens do. That's weird. Its like a way to always have control. Idea: Maybe they want a genetic change so they can be different. Maybe the aliens who are good have been programmed genetically to be slaves of the evil ones, kind of like what humans are trying to do on earth. That makes sense you know.
In Kip Thrones talk he mentioned something that I don't think he realized was very true and valuable knowledge. He has worked with the Russians since the 1930's and then he said they had to have permission to copy a single sheet of paper from the secret police. He said in the 1980's that with the advent of telephones and the Internet and especially copy machines that they lost control. There is more information in his speech, which I will send you a copy when you get here. Its a scenario just like today. Because of media control the average citizen are blind sheep. With the Internet many will wake up. Knowledge, Control, Responsibility; remember the Sc----ology triangle!
Well I will be in touch. I work tomorrow and Tuesday and have allot to do. I will read your replies as I can. I am fine. I told XXXXX about my past and Alaska. I would like to help her. We have only communicated once on the net. You know in my heart this all makes sense. The feeling like I was responsible for a whole race makes sense. Crazy but it does. I have never understood humans. Hope I haven't freaked you out, I doubt that I have. Maybe you know some of these special aliens and communicate with them. I was given a name I don't remember by them although I was very young. They would remember me somehow in the genes passed on in their hearts from one generation to another as a "kind one". Well, have a nice day.
Love Wendella
Subject: Re: Hi Wendella
Date: Sunday, May 21, 2000 4:23 PM
Hi. Well I started this message once and I always end up touching something on my keyboard which deletes everything I have typed so I will try again.
The General
Hi. Glad you are finished with school and I hope you have a safe trip. I will resend my last email from my friends computer. It came back with a mailer deamon the first time and so I resent it. You had the same message twice I think. I had my computer overhauled too. It now has wind 98 v 2 on it and its nice.
My son is great. He is going to be a lifelong friend. I can share my memories with him and he still loves me.
I had lots of attention on islands from being on another chat line about a month ago. So I looked inside and got the memory.
I am on an island with The General. He is also at the hospital with my mom when she tried to abort me. On the island there is a place where they put me in a room with all mirrors. I have been given a drug. I am hooked up to a device to a computer. I am a receiver for the aliens. The aliens like me. After the session; (time distorted in memory), there is a fire. We go to a boat to be saved. I am warned and stay on the boat and don't go on the submarine. The natives of the island rescue me and I am reunited with The General. My mom was with me when we first arrived.
Lots of attention on mountains; so I looked. The actual picture I see was in my mind before as I saw it when people talked to me about a cave in the mountains. In this memory I am in the mountain. It is open. A very large opening with lots of people; military. Lights high up in the ceiling. I am with The General. You can't see this place; you have to know how to get there. Now I see a helicopter too.
The next memory is of me riding in the front of a jeep with The General. We are in the same location. I am having fun I guess.
In reading my friends book on her recovery from Monarch programming, I started to do something. When a picture pops up in my mind I write it down and look. I am in a place a laboratory with stored parts; don't now if its human or animal. I walk through there. I will send you the email of this story later.
My mind is freezing up. I have been shaking and can't type the whole time. I feel strange like I have made everything up as if it is bringing me attention from you and the people on the chat line. Its a strong feeling.
When I look at the memory of me and The General lots of things come to mind. I obeyed him without question. The other memory just came that I couldn't remember. A man dressed classic CIA style approaches me and tells me The General says I needed another treatment. He has a briefcase attached to his wrist. I go with him; not sure where; and he hooks me up to the briefcase. Whatever is going into my body from the briefcase is my treatment. Anyhow back to The General. I know he was my handler. I know; another memory is coming of watching a little girl being strapped inside a cage with water dripping on her and she is screaming. I wanted to help her but feared they would kill her if I said anything. There was electricity going through the wires of the cage and when the water dripped it broke her ground and she was shocked over and over again. It was a treatment. All this came in the last few days. My sense of time is almost completely gone - almost completely gone. I never disobeyed the General. He loved me, he tormented me; I did anything for him. I don't now who he is. I miss him. Its awful. The way I respond to him is E X A C T L Y how I have responded to all men in my life no matter what the relationship. Obedience complete. Its not my natural father or my stepfather or my grandfather. I know when I accept these memories and deal with them that maybe I can have freedom of choice in my male relationships.....I hope. I have been very, very well trained. I have a feeling I know that I watched others being trained with Monarch and didn't receive that. That I had something different that wasn't so demeaning. All that yuck they put in their minds. Somehow mine is there but not with the grid system. I saw last night a picture of rings. Small, larger, larger different colors with pictures of faces on them of people. Haven't really looked at it yet. The idea comes to mind that The General; I was like his mascot. He liked me and treated me kindly despite the atrocities around me. I assume he would be dead by now. Yesterday in thinking about this it feels like that this is my childhood like Alaska was a place to go and visit. I think I have lost it. The memories keep coming in series different. First sra, then mind control, then water experiments; then aliens.
What am I? A composite of everything my mind wants to make up.............. I am going to get my school records from Alaska. I don't know even if it says I was there all the time if it would mean anything. But I am going to do it anyway.
A picture just popped up in my mind. It's a funeral for The General. A lady is standing next to me. She knows me well. She was his wife? Mother? I don't know. The look in her eyes is sad and happy. She is telling me its over that no one wants to continue with what he was doing. I am on a plane going home. Help. How do I connect with reality? A picture came in my mind this morning of being on a bed in the fetal position in pain.
Last night, here is the contrast of my life, I am at a singles dance with my boyfriend. I am a great dancer. I am basically self-taught. I keep getting better. An older Chinese gentleman walks up to me and says in broken English, "Are you a professional dancer?" I said, "No". He said, "You are a beautiful dancer." I couldn't hardly accept the compliment. Many men want to dance with me but they all think I am married so they don't ask. I have to ask them if I want to dance.
You know this contrast is real. On the chat line many have been programmed to do many things they do professionally and yet they had mpd etc. It’s like we are not all ourselves. If any of this is real for any of us why do they let us go? Why do they let us go? With all the training etc., why do they let us go? Are they that inefficient?
My son and I looked at my grandfather’s medallion and he saw things I guess I couldn't. The words 'Pythian Veteran' are on it. So I looked it up. The great oracle of Delphi from ancient Greek times was Apollo who slew the snake python etc. It all comes from there. On a current Masonic web site it lists Pythian Knights as a non-Masonic fraternal order, as well as the Elks which my grandfather was a member of both. I don't know how he could have had any power as its supposedly not affiliated......yet it's listed along with the others.
There are people on the chat line who have trouble with electrical things. They blow out computers when they touch them. I want to find out who the General was. Any Clues?
Thoughts about the Island. This is my idea, not memory, not researched, just guesses. Its in or near the Bermuda Triangle where they have absolute control over airspace and entry by sea. Its been there along time and they hide it. The technology to do so must have been around a long time. My body feels like its hooked up to an electrical outlet. It's felt that way the whole time I have been typing to you. I don't think I was ever abducted by aliens. I think it was all a part of this Generals work.
In the other email, well I will send this one and then go send the others. You will have to figure out the correct sequence.
Is it natural when at the edge of a cliff to want to jump off? In sharing some things with my son he said he has that happen all the time to him. When I went to an entertainment place last year I was compelled very strongly to jump. It ruined my whole day. I had to really fight it. It was like something was forcing me to do it. My other friend thinks it was suicide programming. I am not sure. On the map of the ancient Greek cities there is one called, "Illum,' yes Illum. Is that where the Illuminati started? It was from way before Christ. I haven't had time to research it yet.
I wish I could share some good things with you. I am fine. Talking about this alien stuff is harder than I thought. This man The General had absolute power. I can't remember any other children with him. I was in a position of power too. I read an article the other day that said that some radio waves created hallucinations. Is that where all this stuff is coming from...smile!
It is strange but in these new memories I fell free I feel like I am somebody and important and needed. I have joy in doing the things I am told. Its like I want the memory; I want this childhood. Its a feeling of being set free. When I think of it as being bad or not good or unreal, the feelings of uneasiness come and the electrical feelings come. I guess I only know freedom when I have boundaries and the General gave me that.
Well I hope this mail goes through. I will go to the other computer and resend the others. I am glad you are still there and caring.
Thank you very much.
Love Wendella
Date: Sunday, May 21, 2000 6:47 AM
Subject: Hi Wendella
Hello!
I had a computer crash the other day so all my letters disappeared from my hard drive, including yours! I usually back things up, but due to all my study I didn't have the time and now I regret it. I'm so sorry. I missed those two long letters you sent me. How are you doing? Can you drop me a few lines, so that I know? Been thinking about you. Did you contact XXXX by the way? Now school's out and it's such a relief. Hard work until the last day - incredible! So now it's only 9 days before I travel to the US. Feels great! I go on the 30th of May.
Hope you're all right, Wendella. Hope to hearing from you soon.
Love, XXX
(Email to a friend)
I looked up Roswell and found pictures of the dead aliens. I was so sad. I am going to write how I feel about it. I do this and then I plan on incorporating parts of my emails into my book. I don't have alters but I do have personalities sort of that never get to talk. As a teenager I would go out in the woods and talk to the birds and trees as it was safe. When I was in Sc----ology I had to talk to the walls. I hope its okay to talk to you...............
Mommy
I am so sad, Mommy;
Why did you have to die?
You talked to me with love,
And showed me the stars above.
I can't go to Heaven yet;
Is that where we first met?
I love you Mommy,
you and your kind.
There is no evil in you Mommy,
Not a drop in your mind.
Will you come and see me Mommy;
After you go home for a time?
I will really love it Mommy;
If I knew you would always be mine.
Why did they torture you Mommy?
You didn't need to die.
They didn't love you Mommy.
They only wanted your mind.
I will not give mine to them, Mommy,
In loving memory of you.
I will fight them Mommy,
Through and Through !
I don't know how to protect my brothers and sisters, Mommy;
They are everywhere.
The General is in control, Mommy
And when He is mad He is like a Bear.
I will miss you Mommy,
Your hands are so soft.
Just like the Dolphins skin;
In touching it you get lost.
Lost in the feelings of warmth,
From the love that they give.
Lost in the feelings of hope,
From the despair within.
Lost in the knowledge that they will survive.
God has the power to keep them alive.
I loved the song you sang, Mommy;
When you arose to the sky.
Oh how wonderful and sweet Mommy;
To know you are nearby!
God is Just Mommy;
He will have his revenge.
And when it is time,
The General will come to his end.
I have to go Mommy.
The General is calling.
Maybe someday, Mommy,
It will be you who is calling . . .
Love,
Your daughter
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
(written by a very little girl)
Notes condo 5/21/2000
I always know when I see the Big Dipper that I was home. Big Dipper is also some kind of programming clue. Bodies hanging from above. COMA movie. Clue. Annie Mckenna had similar ideas. Thought my voices in my head are alters. Saw a picture in my head of whole bunch of evil faces. Kids no hair scary like the Rugrat characters. New York; red and white lighthouse; Ferry Island; underground tunnels golf course: Clues…
Helicopter? Annie? Phoenix? Vietnam? Bird arising.
Idea: Taught never to show fear, so in showing fear and acting it out destroys programming and/or phobias. I learned to take fear by the hand and walk with it!
Love Sessions
Had small groups of trainees come together for LOVE sessions. Each of us would were taught to be "VIRTUALLY mean" to the others in the group so we would never meet. Picture of 5 of us girls. All young around 5 years old or so. We are all standing in a circle. We all hate each other. Man, evil in background; laughing. In real world always got people together to be friends just the opposite. We were conditioned to be mean to other children, especially to the girls. They never wanted us to ever meet and be friends.
Each of us is holding a baby doll in our arms in a circle. We were allowed to dress it up the way we wanted. We gave 'our' babies to the others in the group. We were never to love our babies as mothers. We were to give them to another. Then the machine turned on and we saw each other: individual trainees floating in the air above our bodies. If they thought loving thoughts about their friend’s baby, they were electrocuted through something in the computer - the one holding the baby. It was as if our bodies were attached to many electrical wires and we were punished this way. We started jolting. I see each of us at different intervals start jolting. The words and music, "I will always love you", was in the background. When one of us learned not to think good thoughts about the others baby we were holding, we would be allowed to go to the controls and switch it 'ON and OFF' for each of the trainees as they thought loving thoughts about the babies they were holding.
I see a blonde girl standing by the man with the controls. Thoughts coming to my mind how it caused us to 'psychically' connect. We were programmed to leave our bodies after the switching and psychically connect. As we did this we had our astral bodies all floating, holding hands in air above us. There were other children outside the room waiting standing in line. Some of them would come and join us too. Never more than five. We learned how to 'sing' together with each other. Then a black spirit came and his presence made us stop. At night when we would sleep we would dream or actually go looking for our friends who would sleep floating above our bodies. We would find others and go 'sailing', like Peter Pan and Wendy; "To Gather the Faces for Good that would Save the Millennium". We would bond together to fight the black spirits. If there was enough of them we would group our mind thoughts together and send a beam of energy to the black groups to destroy them. They shattered in little sparkly stars and fell to the ground. This symbolized that we won.
Old woman looking like a German Nazi movie character comes into the room. She is just like the ones in the movies called Olga etc. Pleasure; love? 'Carmen session'; download; plush; push; experiment; fix it or forever die ????????? There were other little babies, black ones, in as astrals. No bodies yet. Watching. They came and watched us. They weren't grown yet and hadn't been given a consciousness yet.
By being taught to be mean to the other girls,
they tried to program us to never help one another.
Now we are taking the arms, legs and heads off of the baby dolls and letting them fall to the floor. Stomp on them. Then we pick up any piece and put it back together. Did this several times.
"Together forever as one."
They tried to teach us that being parts meant being 'whole'. That nothing was ever yours and at the same time, that as long as you had your parts you were whole even if they, your parts, changed all the time.
Now we see snakes crawling on the floor with the baby parts. Electrical snakes. Told we can't move or we will be bitten. One of us, up the snake? I see a huge, house size, snake, cobra picture; mouth wide open; going to bite me. I am swallowed up by the snake. I go down a long tunnel. Now underground. Belts; parts; lights people? Humans masked and gowned. "Old Dead Eyes".
"You are late. We thought we lost you." I guess I became conscious. Taken on stretcher bed. "Here is where you can rest, Sandy Bolton." "You did a great job. We will call on you again later", the nurse told me. Switch under bed. Knew it was watching me. Afraid to move. Afraid to pee. Almost afraid to think. Thought if I did anything wrong I would be blown up in bed and :
"ALL THE LITTLE BABIES INSIDE ME WOULD GET BLOWN UP".
Small red box under middle of bed with wire cord to wall. Hands strapped. In writing this I am saying, "Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!", over and over and over.
See stars above head like where you are low on oxygen. Had that happen allot as a kid in Anchorage if I just bent over I would see silver little stars in front of my eyes. It might be normal. Don't know. Voice: "When you see the stars you will be home." They taught death was home.
Now see floor disappearing underneath feet. See 5 little girls, wasn't supposed to call them anything human. Four somehow disappear. We are falling. I wake up. Room, black? Lights: red, white, yellow. Unorganized pattern, different intensity. Then needle in arm; pain. "You go to sleep now. You have had a long night."
We started to fly astral projected our bodies to fly down through space 'air hole'. We grabbed each others hands until we could land.
"Safety on the ground…"
I was trained to go in and rescue "alters" who were lost, trapped, or dead. I wasn't trained to kill, but watched it. I was told as we, each of us, that our mission was special. They used that word allot.
Saw hospital, but not really a true hospital, ward of beds with children. I was trained to go and check on them psychically at night. As long as I didn't move my body the bomb wouldn't go off. I believed that they had watchmen watching me and reporting if I did my job right. If the next day a "child", they were never called children, didn't respond right, they came to me and I thought that maybe they would punish me. I was RESPONSIBLE for their progress in training. Maybe they did this to all of us so we would never try to FIGHT or STOP IT.
I was a; name comes to mind but I don't really know what it means; Beta-Delta Omega Transfer. Your Matrix was a system of mode of the systems of others. Your owned others as your alters.
Alter groups are one.
No one can escape you.
You are horrible; meaning powerful.
You are terrible; meaning good for the perps.
You are invincible.
You are all powerful.
You are "One".
Symbols: Triangle; two slashes to the left, two dots, lines with dots, picture of snake.
I hear a voice; "A snake with forked tongue cannot speak". "You think you are one".
See snakes mouth again. Same underground. People; space suits, no faces. Walk funny. They are coming. They are coming at me to take my soul. Call upon the astrals. We kill them. Red. See all Red. White. Yellow. Black changes to green. White; blackness?
We took the souls of the people into ourselves. We are in 'control' in the suits. We are "HIDDEN". We are floating in grown up size space suits connected by tubes. They cut off the electricity. Spark? "cords". We are yelling? They want to 'spin' us. Can't finish memory. Dead? My real body dead? Dream? Surgery? Don't know.
Picture: newborn baby. Real human body. We created our own 'death' and became a newborn baby, flesh and all. We weren't afraid to give our souls or minds as if we died we were giving birth to a new born baby. Wipe out all the evil programs? Taught us to think death is a rebirth of something pure...
6/8/2000
I have shared this memory on the chat line. I KNOW I am supposed to make a collage or drawing of it.
Here is what will be included:
picture 5 girls standing connected to wires
picture above them of 5 astral bodies above them
picture of small black beings in background watching
picture of computer equipment and little blonde hair girl at switches with large windows overlooking down at city
man standing by little girl
picture of children standing outside door waiting to get in for treatment ( reminds me of kids waiting to get into classroom at school)
picture of electric snakes on floor
picture of some babies in arms, some in pieces, some being trampled on
See a child laying on floor not moving; thought it was XXX?? who almost died; girl on floor.
In my heart when the memory came of the aliens, it was like they were my family. The feelings for them are very strong. I could never fear them. The pictures ripped my heart out. I can't imagine the atrocities they have suffered at the hands of our brothers.
Yesterday I was standing in my bedroom and simply asked myself a question: IF they have been mixing genes and eggs and sperm since 1947 or so, and they really wanted to do remote viewing and wanted to have abilities like the dolphins do to communicate in better ways than us humans, would they have tried to mix dolphins and humans together? I only read in one place about human and non-human creatures. The idea is ancient though. Egypt Mayan etc. and the movie Dr.________ Island are full of it. Anyhow, a picture popped up in my mind of a boy/alien/dolphin. Its just a picture. I am going to try to have my son draw it for me. He doesn't look like a human or an alien combination or a combination of human and dolphin. His head has large frontal lobes but his chin is normal. It should be interesting.
Love Wendella
July 3 2000
New Memory
I see a picture in my mind. I feel sick like car sick. I have had this feeling much. I am sitting in a chair spinning. I see the stars. Now a bright white light. I see red everywhere. I am on a table. "She will not remember the implant. She will be ours forever. Her handler is unique. It is rare that a father will give up a daughter for this experimentation. There now little one. It is done. You will never suffer the pain the others will when its time. Lets see now, its time to go home." I see stars again and orange. He is looking into my eyes with a light. Its an eye doctor, the one in Portland. He was an evil looking old man.
When they spun me I lost track of time. I hear 8 8 8 in my mind like the recording I get on the telephone sometimes like while I was spinning there was something being said in a mans voice on top of something else. "You are the one to save the Nations. Don't let go. Don't stop until you succeed."
"We are counting on you." (dull voice no emotion) "I am your FATHER. YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW ALL. YOU WILL SEE ME IN THE TEMPLE OF XXXXX. I LOVE YOU." It repeated itself over and over and over. I lost consciousness. I was sick like dead. They had spun me too much and it almost damaged my brain. The lights go on and people are scared. "We cant let her get hurt. She is special to him. Hurry get some water and I will cool her down, she is very warm", a lady nurse said. Someone lifted me out of the chair and I am limp. I feel love from someone but don't know who. "We have to tell him to stop. She is only human, nothing else." "I don't think he will listen. He is obsessed with her becoming like himself; half human, half XXX."
I see a bed. It feels so good. I see a window. Daylight! Yes daylight! I am home. Well, maybe. But its not dark anymore. Yes, Yes. Yes, is he done? I hope its over.
Chapter Eleven: A Circle Returns Unto Itself
The "Culture"
August 9, 2000
Well I have a lot to write. I went to the conference and at Annie McKenna’s talk got very triggered. She was talking about chocolate and how they gave it to you after a session to help you forget the incident. I saw in my minds’ eye a picture like a poster of chocolate soup with all my littles falling and drowning in it. I also saw an airplane half submerged and the white house the same. It started releasing something.
Then later, while in the hotel foyer, I was talking to a lady named TOC, pronounced 'talk'. She said the same thing over and over. I was asking her advice about teaching my therapist about SRA etc., and she gave me the names of some books to read. While listening to her I started to see a large strobe machine go off in front of my eyes. It was awful. It was flashing a white light continuously at me. It was intended to put me into a trance. I don’t know what triggered it, but it lasted a whole minute or more. It was very, very real.
Then I remember XXX's talk. She was talking about the 13 families of the Illuminati and the 3 groups of 13 above them and the one group of 15 above them. A picture of a golden sword, now I hear chanting, came into my mind. It was solid gold upside down on the upward side of a wall with a large ruby red jewel in the middle at the handle. There was like a fireplace mantel below it. That’s where I saw it from. There were 13 people dressed in dull black robes standing there also. I was standing in front of XXX talking in the hallway when this came. I saw the wall with the sword open up and a large, very large room comes into view like a cavern. There were the other 3 groups of 13. On the left side in front of me were a group of 6 dressed in white hooded robes with a blue sash, next to them were a group of 7 white hooded robes with a red sash, the same on the other side of the cavern only switched. Then behind them were the 13 dressed in white hooded robes with a yellow/gold sash. Then I hesitated, as I knew there should be more. I then saw in my minds eye, again all while standing next to XXX in the hotel hallway outside the conference room, 15 in black robes coming down from the ceiling. They were women. XXXX confirmed that I was right. My mind flashed with the knowledge from Rebecca Brown’s book, “He Came To Set the Captives Free” and how she had saved a woman who was sold at birth to do the same. I then saw my grandmother’s face in the fourth hood over. It was some kind of ceremony. I don’t think I had seen this before.
Then later in thinking about it, more came to me.
I see these same women with the powers of darkness flowing from their hands outstretched together aimed at a newborn child lying on the cavern floor. I see it as if I am up in the air with them, almost. Like I was elevated but not to their height which was about ten feet. I was at about 5 feet. This power came out of their hands like a purple bluish streak(s) of lightening and they all touched upon the child at one time. In my innocence I did not and do not know if it killed the child or if it helped the child.
I could see different expressions on the different faces, all of them in their own way enjoying and savoring this moment. I think it killed the child. I feel very sad in side.
Now I see The Father or Satan in gold and white. His illuminescense is so bright with light I can’t see his face. He comes and picks up the child and eats him whole. The women fall down onto the floor and are limp. He walks over to me and picks me up and puts me in the air all alone and commands me, “In the name of Jesus Christ, I announce thee to become one with him forever. In the name of Jesus Christ, Acumen.” Then he said, “Your Jesus is real. Their Jesus is a liar and fake who does not know the Father. The Father sent me to destroy the wicked and save the innocent. You are the innocent. Follow me, child, and you shall be eternally free of sickness, illness, disease, mutilation, hunger and thirst and have all the blessings of this world that it can offer. I am pleased with thee little one, you have done well. I am sorry your mother cannot be here. She chose to go her own path at a young age. I hope you chose not to follow her.” He put me down and the women arose. It was time for the ceremony.
I was disrobed and naked. The evil spirits of cleansing were put upon me to cleanse my mind. It hurt. I felt pain everywhere. Then they stabbed me in the heart with a silver (chalice) knife. Blood came pouring out of my body. I started to jerk. He said, “If you believe in the real Christ, me, Glory and Honor will come upon you and you will live. If you do not you will die”. I didn’t know what he meant but a man beautiful appeared in my mind and said, “Covenant with me child and you shall be healed. I do not stand for evil, but good. Search your heart always and be free in the quest for truth in this life. I will always be with you. Now close your eyes and I will heal your wound and seal your blood upon my garments to serve and protect you until you are safe enough to go out on your own. I love you,” and I felt tears fall from his eyes and touch my chest.
The would healed and the women gasped. They had never seen a child live from this ceremony. The Father himself was angry and went to pick up my body and toss it to the other wall across the side of the cavern. I saw the man who appeared to me make himself known to those within the cavern. They were shocked.
He said, “I have paid the price for the sins of all. There is no law whereby I cannot come and claim my own. You shall not have her. She belongs to me now and forever. If any of you dare to challenge me on this take upon you the word, sword; of Christ now and defend yourself. I command you to set this child free of these evil covenants you place upon her or I will use her to show the world my power and for generations to come. Your secrets will be free within her mind and heart and soul to disperse and shed the truth so that others may be free. Now, I say now! Take upon thee the sword or Forever Be Damned!”
No one moved, and Christ came and picked up my body and handed it to my grandmother. He said, "Thou shalt desecrate this holy temple no more without consequence. Take off thy robes and go home and beg forgiveness of thee.” He gave me to my grandmother and left.
In a fit of rage Satan started killing everyone. My grandmother fled.
I have in my mind being in a limousine driving up to a gate at an estate in the country. There were olive trees there or something that looked like them. It was a huge old castle like house gray brick/stone. My grandmother brought me to a man who I never saw his face. She begged him to accept me instead of my mother to fulfill the proxy she had made at my mother’s birth. The incident of Christ’s appearance was discussed and discounted as a show of false power.
To make this more clear, Jenny is a little inside me who chose to speak to me for the first time while writing the memory above. After I wrote what she wanted to say, I continue the memory with 'Slicing Oranges'.
Jenny
Jenny just said she wanted to talk to me. She said I was her baby and that she was born black. That they didn’t want any black people in the coven so they let me, mommy go. She said she was three and never wanted to grow up. She said that they killed her and ate her brains. She said she wanted a hug. I felt peace in talking to her. I have always felt a part of me was Negro somehow and always loved them. She said I was eight years old when it happened that they always test the body genetics, as so many things are not known from the past. I can see myself slightly enlarged and feeling heavy. They drugged me and took the child. They did experiments on both of us. It was my mother’s way of fighting them. She knew if I had a black child they would let me go. I love you Jenny, and you are always welcome to live inside me. I will see you in person when I die and we are reunited. She was 3 days old when they killed her.
'Slicing Oranges'
This is a continuation of the meeting with the old man.
They decided to do the orange treatment on me and see if I really had accepted Christ. They had me hold an orange on a table. They told me to slice the orange along with the tips of my fingers on my left hand. They said if I accepted The Father, meaning Satan, I would feel no pain and there would be no blood and no scars and I would be healed instantly. I was scared. The drink they gave me made me dizzy and I didn’t know what to do.
I see the real Christ again in my minds eye-smiling saying, “They cannot fool us, little one. Do as they say and I will let the blood flow from your hands and they will feel the pain you would have. Trust me.”
So I started to cut and they started screaming, “Stop, Stop. What are you doing! Stop, child. No! No! Its not supposed to be this way”. I continued and cut through all five fingertips not feeling anything. Then the old man turned and I saw his ugly face. I had given him sexual pleasures and recognized him.
He was very furious and said, ”Child, I don’t know what evil you posses but it seems to me we shall do another test.” He told me to disrobe and lay down on the floor. He rang a bell and a servant came out carrying a black and purple velvet robe. The servant placed it over my body as I lay on the floor. The old man said some words of magik, words I can’t hear to write or repeat. The same sword came flying off of the wall and stopped mid air above me pointed down at my heart. The old man said to me, “Child. Spare your life. Perform the Dance of the Ancients and I will let you live.” I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea of what he was talking about. I looked at my hand and all my fingers were normal and there was no sign of damage.
I thought to myself, “ Man in white, so glorious and right, if you be a good man, come to my aide and abide me this night.” I saw and watched as the sword began to dance. It made me smile. It went up toward the ceiling and then pointed all the directions starting east, then it made the five pointed star and then it started to go to the old man and he said, “Halt. You have proved yourself worthy to live and partake of the Covenant of the Ancients. If you want to live, place the sword on the table.” Of course I could see this good man do all the dancing with the sword and I could see him take the sword and place it on the table. Then he took it and kissed it blessing it to never harm another again and placed it on the wall.
I opened my mouth without permission and said, “Kindly sir, I have returned the sword in the stone to its proper place. I suggest you let it rest there for a time.”
He said nothing.
Then he asked me to dance in the air. Well I asked my friend who was still there what to do as he was the one performing all the tricks for this old man. We were actually having fun with all this hocus pocus nonsense. We knew he was bad and he knew he was old. He knew something was wrong but not what.
I see myself adorn an outfit, how I don’t know and start dancing on top of the same table I cut my fingers on. I was a ballerina. I danced and did what the Master, my friend, told me and the man fell asleep. My grandmother believed we had done what we were supposed to and took me by the hand and left. I don’t think I ever saw him again. His name was Albert McGinney (fictitious name).
My grandmother was very kind to me as long as I didn’t speak. She didn’t like any talking. We went a lot of places together. Airports mostly. She knew lots of men in the Air Force as she worked for them and they would ask her favors of me and she obliged. I don’t think she ever thought twice to say no.
I don’t remember much more at the moment about this. I will write the other memories that came from the conference.
Spinning
I woke up at 12:30 am with a huge pain in the upper right side of my head and eye. I went in and talked to my son for an hour. I felt drugged. The term belladonna, which I have heard before, comes to mind. I felt like my bones had been operated on. I couldn’t talk very well and I can’t remember much except the pain. When I woke up the next morning it was still bad. It lasted a total of about 24 hours before it subsided and if I think at all about it its still there.
The only pictures that came were of something being placed into my skull via the bone behind my nose between my eyes. The ideas came that they put mercury into my brain to make it easier for me to go into the alpha state for psychic channeling.
I see me inside a black fish net hanging upside down. My body is bent in half. I am very cold. I am spinning, spinning, and spinning. I am very dizzy.
I see a chair down below. It is black. The room I am in is black. It’s a long way down. They tell me not to think. How can you think when all you want to do is throw up and can’t. I feel my feet tingly and sort of cold. My head is throbbing kind of how it feels right now in writing about it. They stop. I am limp. They put me on a cold concrete wet floor and water starts to trickle in. I have been through this before. If you move more water touches you more quickly and you get shocked faster. I curled up into a ball and waited. The fear of the water coming is terrible. They turned on the lights, bright, white, not flashing at first and then the whole room is moving and I am still on the floor. My only orientation becomes the pain I feel when the water shocks my toes, then ankles then all of my feet. It starts to touch my elbows and
I screammmmmmmmmmmm.
I believe if it gets to my head I will die. I have died before and then they play with my body while it is dead and then revive me and I am sore. It is awful. Now the room is all green, a soft green, somehow it makes me want to go to sleep but sleep might mean death. I can’t stay awake. I am gone. I wake up in a small room that is all white with a small window above my head. I see a shadow there somehow. I don’t know where I am. I haven’t been here before. I hear children playing and laughing but cannot see them. The sounds fade, then screaming. I think at first that it’s my screaming but I can’t see any reason for me to scream and my mouth is closed. I close my eyes and see red, all red, blood red. I don’t like it. When I open my eyes the most awful man I have ever seen is there. He has very dark eyebrows and is tall to me. He pulls back the sheets covering my naked body and says, “Yes, she will do.” He takes off his coat and starts to undress. He puts a cloth in my mouth and starts to touch me with a probe. It doesn’t hurt bad, but it’s not good. He touches me everywhere with it. Then he places his finger inside my vagina. It’s too small so he uses his tongue. When he touches me there it feels good and I am confused. He turns me over and puts the probe in my bottom. It makes me mess on myself and he washes me off. He lays on top of me and enters me. I cant breath. He is grunting. He shoves very hard and it hurts in my ears. As he does this he calls me, “Candy, Candy, oh how I miss you dear sweat Candy.” When he is done he pulls up his pants and puts me to sleep with a shot in my arm and says, “Sandy Bolton, you are mine and you will not remember. Abracadabra amen.” Then he hits me on the side of the head and leaves.
A nurse comes in. I see a picture of a hospital my father took me to in my mind. It’s where I always took my pink poodle. One of my littles gave me back my pink poodle today. I can’t remember who it was. I gave Emily my teddy bear so she could leave the electric chair and come with the other littles in the cloud. It’s safe in the cloud. She gets me ready to go home. She said my daddy was waiting outside and he was going to take me for some ice cream. When he came in to doorway she kissed him and said thankyou and gave him money.
Now I see me at home and my daddy is very angry. He is yelling at my mom and I am tired and don’t want to listen. Names are called and it’s not pleasant. She threatens to leave and he says he doesn’t care. She tells him she is pregnant and he says, “By whom?” She cusses at him and he says, “It better not be a little black bastard like my mommy had or I will kill you.” She runs out of the room and he comes and lays down with me. He takes off my clothes and starts playing with me. I try to ignore him but he seems to turn himself on. “You will never sleep with a black whore will you my precious as you will always be mine.” He turns me over and enters me. It hurts. I leave my body as usual and wait for him to finish. I don’t like him anymore. He leaves and I have to go to the bathroom and make a mess. Mommy doesn’t know why I make messes like I do all the time. She thinks its plums or something. I hear Tommy crying. I wish he would shut up. I hate his crying. She always goes into to see why he cries but she never helps me so I don’t cry anymore. I will go talk to my friends, my stuffed animals. They never talk back to me or hurt me. They will always be my friends.
I feel to briefly mention J who is in charge of my littles in the cloud in my mind and heart who banded together to stop the suicide programming that kicked in when I prayed for forgiveness. The only thing that they could do to stop it was to flood my mind with memories so it would jam the programming. Well it worked. I know now that my obsession with going home is a program similar to the monarch 'cocoon' program.
Going 'home' is death.
J told me that my littles were accessed by thoughts, not touch or symbols etc. and that they took all the material I read and grouped themselves together and except the littles who haven’t integrated all of them shared the pain equally so that I could live a normal life. I will never not have them. They will always be apart of me until the resurrection unless Christ says otherwise. There are many with many memories some good some bad. J stands for Joe inside and loves Jesus outside so he wants to be called J. He told me that I have to let the perps inside alone and that their memories will convict the perps if and when it happens. He said that all men create new littles by their voices until the old littles integrate and see if the man is going to hurt me. They aren’t afraid of XXXXXX anymore but they don’t completely trust him. They trust XXXXX, as he seems different somehow. Susan was the one who was spinning. I helped her and she is now okay. Ben was there but I can’t remember what he was. Susan is a little black girl in an electric chair with water at her feet.
Writing my thoughts:
“There are 500 alters with a matrix grid of 12 times 10 times 10. It is divided into 3 sections; birth, death and life all connected to the other 4 girls in your group. Patty, Nancy, Drew and Karen. Those were not their real names. Diane may be one of them. Only time will tell. You cannot access your grid without fear of death so don’t try. We, I, J, will help you unravel the puzzle as it comes. It was in a shape of a peacock’s feather as in an old Indian way. Your handler didn’t like the way Mengele did things the same all the time. The spinners are in the center instead of on the outside. Susan was the key. You won’t be triggered unless some danger comes to us and I think that you know enough to protect yourself. Keep this quiet for a very long time and when it is safe you can speak. Your perp is not dead Wendella, he lives within you as well as outside. He is a very old man who has much power through all his descendants and does not want to be known. His pacts with the devil go back generations with your family the H---tons and Mc----eys to England and France. There is an ancestor of yours you will find who will not let you enter his name into the temple. When you find this know that you have succeeded. He knew Benjamin Franklin and many other fine artists and inventors and tried to get them to do wrong with their knowledge. He has done much harm to the human race. You are not responsible for his acts, now or ever and Heavenly Father knows how hard you are trying to escape. Write your book with pictures and stories and poems and that in itself will set you free. They cannot touch you, as they will remember who you are and that the stories of Christ’s personal intervention are true. They cannot touch you. Your book will become a bestseller and in that will protect you from them. XXX is harmless. Continue to protect him. We love you all very much. You do not need to tell anyone you are multiple, as in fact you are not in the way others are. You have succeeded in overcoming much with prayer others never even begin to.”
“Help those whom I send and much power and grace will be granted unto you. The littles will speak when it is needful and mindful. Write down what they say as a testimony of your abuse and their existence. I am He who went to the Heavens to descend into hell to save those of my sheep he chose to conquer. We were in the Heavens together as one, testifying of the plan of salvation forever. It is my work and for my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. I love you Wendella for your courage. Trust your B----p to bring you members of the church to help you. I will guide and direct him. He is a simple humble man who has shown great compassion on you and your family and his blessings will be great for what he will do. There are those in the quorums who would want to stop you but with his guidance we will succeed. Go now and love your children, very very, special children. I will always be with you. You are never alone.”
Your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Return to Montauk
August 12, 2000
I am very sad and upset today. My new friend moved, and I have feelings and am confused. I asked J what to do and he showed me a picture that goes with a memory and told me to write it down.
I see my toes and my feet. They look small and round. There is something attached to each toe with wires. Then they are touching my feet, one spot at a time and recording from a helmet on my head with wires and now I see splotches on body I am hooked up to. It made my jerk when they touched my toes. I remember at a very young age teaching myself not to be ticklish. I hated it. There is a large room. The same room the 5 girls were in. I am alone in it. I see the lights and the city by the river. I see it is night yet I am drugged and can’t tell for sure if it is really evening. There is a man looking down at me smiling. He is so confident in what he is doing. He doesn’t talk. He has a woman assistant dressed in white clothing. There is a part of my mind that longs for him to finish and leave me alone. I jerk again. I don’t know what or why I am jerking. I leave my body and can see all of me in the chair. It is a black reclining chair. I see a big round light hanging above me. There is the computer and a tray near me with needles and other instruments on it. He is picking up a needle and puts it directly into my eye. I feel nothing. It is always my right eye. I start spinning even though I am out of my body. He is so sadistic. He says something like, “Come to me. Come to me”, over and over. I have no idea what he is trying to get me to do. I see my astral self go to his physical body and try to smother him. He can’t feel me. I am so angry. He thinks he owns my heart, mind and soul and he doesn’t own any part of me. I like him in that he is so stupid he really can’t hurt me. I am jerked back into my body and I am swimming in it. I can’t focus myself on anything. It’s like being in a whirlwind. There is no safe place, in or out of my body as they control all of me. “We are done.” He tells his assistant. I can see her hands take the rings off of my toes. My body is limp. I leave it again. She carries me out of the room down the hall. I can see the city lights leaving. I go to the sun room. They bathe you in yellow and then green light. Pink was my favorite color but you only got that very seldom. I want my mommy. They told me my mommy was dead and a picture of the alien I saw die comes to my mind. I see my real mommy. She kisses or is close to the man who did stuff to me. “She will be all right in a couple of days. We couldn’t fix the problem. You can bring her back for another treatment if you like, but it may not help.” I see my grandmother coming holding her purse. She acts like she owns the place. “We have to go now or we will miss the plane. Come along J---t, she will be fine. You can see her again next week.” They leave. My mommy brought me a pink poodle to stay with me. She called her Charlie. I see myself curled up in a ball holding on to it. The nurse comes and takes it away from me and puts it on the shelf across the room. Inside I want to cry and cry and cry but I can’t. Something is stopping me from crying. Now I see a little boy walk in the room. He is holding a blue teddy bear. He places it on the shelf next to my poodle and then he leaves.
Somehow seeing this makes my start to spin inside and I close my eyes. I see my friend in white who tells me, ”Focus on the light of Heaven Wendella, and you shall see me.” I close my eyes again and try to focus. I see Heaven and he is sitting on a bench next to me and says,” We cannot stop them from experimenting on you, but we are with you. Your body is weak and tired from all the drugs. Know that you can stay with your family or return here now if you choose. You will have a wonderful life in your older years if you choose to stay. The angels and I will always be with you and guide you. You have been chosen to set others free. I will bless your body and mind to heal when it is time for you to testify of me. Beware, they will be watching you, yet they will not know it is you who they see. Come and join me on a journey to Heaven and see what lies for you in your future if you return".
Down below I see blue lights flashing. Something is wrong with my body and what they did and they are trying to keep my alive. I see me in Missouri, happy, yet sad. They have taken my child and I see her lying asleep in a crib, not my own and she is calling out to me, "Mommy, mommy, where are you?" I see the courts give me back my child and I know great joy. I see the earth, a city in turmoil and we hide from the strange torment in the sky. I see me in Heaven again with all my many children, some I bore and many not. I see me with a man who is my husband and eternal companion.
“That is all I can show you, Wendella. Know in your heart it is true. Many will try to love you and fail for your pain is great. Satan has no keys over your life or the life of your family and friends. You will remember this at a time when it is very important for you to know this. Know I am always with you. Your eternal companion is one who has great compassion and understanding of evil. Many will try to claim you. You will not know who your eternal companion will be. He will decide that for himself. He was chosen from among many. He will do great things for you and me. He is my friend and was my companion also in the pre-existence as you were. He will not know his power until he tests his love for you. He will never harm you but your past will make you fear it. He will come in disguise Wendella, but that will be for your protection and be a blessing unto to. Be not afraid, Wendella, for you are already sealed to him from before. No matter what happens on Earth he will be with you in the end and you will be free in his love to serve me and The Father throughout eternity. Don’t get caught up in the mysteries of things you don’t understand and the chaos that will engulf the earth at the end times. Always pray and hear my voice. The simple sweet voice of a child that loves you is how you will hear me. I must go now. Be free in your heart to love whom you will. Love is not evil Wendella. Know this is true. I love you.”
I see my body again and it is sad and looks dead. I close my astral eyes and with a whoosh and reenter it. I can hardly breathe. I call upon the ancients, the good ones to help me. I see many come and stand around me in a circle and administer to me. They are beautiful. I hear, “I think she will be all right now, Doctor, but we need to be sure to watch her. We cannot afford her death. Her grandmother would cause us much trouble.” And she leaves and closes the door. I see or imagine in my mind a fairy tale land of candy and lollipops with fairies dancing and singing. I imagine the little baby girl I know I will have someday. I will call her Rachel for courage. I love you Rachel. I hope to see you soon.
I see a light in the room; it is him again simply smiling at me. “Rest now, my little one. Time will prove all things and the things of your heart. Fear not. I am always with you.”
He is so beautiful. I just wish I could go be with him.
Chapter Twelve: My One True Friend
The Savior
I am chained to a post in the woods. It is dark. They had dressed me in a white cloth. Somehow, I don't know how or why, my death was eminent. I was weak. I heard a crack in the clouds and a lightening bolt flashed. Then I heard a voice command; "Thou Shalt Never Fear Me." He came over to me very, very saddened. "You are very special to me. It is not right for you to suffer this." He loosened me and lifted me into His arms. He was crying.
I felt the love in his heart lift my body and spirit so that I had no fear.
I knew he had saved my life. I felt in my heart that He loved me so much he would have given his life to spare mine. In a way, He already had. In the next moments somehow I was home, not asleep, but in my bed looking out of my window.
I believe the memory as a dream or as a physical occurrence is real. I know in my heart from all the miracles I have experienced in my life that Christ does love me. Those miracles will be saved for another book.
I know that God lives. In His Mercy and Grace He brought me these memories, in part and in whole to help me heal from my past. And as a gift to him I Seal up this Book as a Witness and Testimony that, yes, He does Live!
For those of you in recovery, go forth with faith that you are loved and you will be. Go forth with knowledge that you are never alone, for you are not. Go forward in time gleaning the good things you are given from your Heritage and God will bless you with all the Blessings of this Earth.
Thank you for reading my book.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
End Note
I have worked and worked to bring this to you as I first wrote it.
Nothing written is intended to implicate anyone, dead or alive in any way.
The sole purpose of my book, in writing it and publishing it for any who choose to read it, is to share my beginnings of a journey of healing.
If you feel you or someone you know is implicated in the book,
then it is from within your own hearts desires to feel so.
I have no physical evidence or proof of anything I write,
and have not chosen to seek any out.
The only proof I have is what is in my heart and mind
and that is all I will ever have.
Many like myself are writing their stories.
They too have suffered much and are still healing.
I hope you will simply understand that for us
telling our stories is very important for our own healing.
I leave this with you to ponder in your hearts.
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My Continued Journey
As time passes and more memories and healing comes, I know that in my life and the lives of my children, I will have gained the ability to know love from power; kindness from hate; and self sacrifice as different from control.
I wish all survivors who read my book all the best hopes and prayers anyone could give !!!
Respectfully yours,
Wendella K.
Author of:
"The Grace of the Heart:
A Survivors Testimony"
October 17, 2000
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“Be at Peace Child,
For no harm will come to thee.
Stand tall,
And you will know My Will in all things, and hear My Voice.”